The Journal
by heavenlyhuntress
Summary: ø ºAU• Hinata's your average shy timid girl. Sasuke's your cold, unafflictive guy. They meet on the first day of school when Hinata breaks his nose. Funny dished out randomly. ø
1. Chapter 1

_**Another new story? - you're thinking. But this was stuck in my journal for a few days and I got it out. **_

**_It's a high school fic. I thought I'd never do another one (haha)._**

**_Well, here it is!_**

* * *

_I hated fringes._

Tearing them off the fifteen pieces of journal paper? No easy task. Uh hello? Perforated edges don't work out really that well.

Even occasionally ripping off the jounal paper itself. Which was going to be my makeshift notebook, on account I've used all my other ones. Plus I can't take this anymore. Need to vent.

The journal was a special one, one I bought in a store because it looked interesting. (The inside was very, very colorful.)

But I hated the perforated edges. Thus leading to said action of ripping the papers off.

At last I managed to squeeze those papers into a blue folder.

And turned to the first page. The layout was different from any other notebook.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Name**:_

_**Things I Love**:_

_**Things I Hate**:_

_**Motto**:_

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I quickly flipped to all the other pages. They had the similar style, just not with the same topics. I even saw one labeled "Preferred Ways to Kill a Rival".

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Name**: Hinata Hyuuga_

_**Things I Love**: My pet dog who - yes, who - I've had for ten years. He was just a wee baby when got him. I was five then. My sister, Hanabi. She's not a 'thing'. And sometimes I'd like to rip her guts out. But yes. I love her. My computer. Can't live without it._

_**Things I Hate**: People (things) that criticize me for how I act and who I am. Namely my father. _

_**Motto**: Don't let people get the satsfaction of hurting you._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

"Naruto!" I heard Sakura scold. I looked up. "Give me my pen back!" She literally lay on the seat of the bus, trying to snatch her pen back (to no avail). "Give it!" Her cheeks were rosy with anger.

The bus wheezed to the school parking lot where it braked. Sakura slid out of the seat and practically into the aisle. She shrieked. The hem of her underwear was showing.

"Hinata - "

I looked up, cheeks flushed. I was always categorized as the "weird girl" who "sits in her chair writing things".

Or categorized as "is that a girl or a boy?" who "sits in his/her/its chair writing things".

Naruto threw me the pen. It landed between the page of my journal. I turned evenredder.

"Don't let Sakura get it, 'kay?" he said, smiling. He stood up with a lopsided backpack and was one of the first to get off the bus.

With an untied sneaker.

Untucked jacket.

(On the first day of school, too.)

But he was perfe -

"Hinata!" I heard the second voice call out my name. Sakura stood there, seething mad. Her hair was disheveled just from the bus ride and her white blouse was crumpled. "Give it back!"

"I - I'm sorry," I stammered, words failing me. Rapidly I gave the pen to her, shutting my journal.

Her eyes softened. "No, it's all right. It's not your fault. Naruto - "

My mouth tightened, my heart thudded.

" - is a jackass. He's a failure. And annoying, at that."

I couldn't let her badmouth him. Through nearly seven years I'd seen him work hard at everything he did. "That's not tr - "

But it was too late; she'd flounced off the bus. Through the window I saw Naruto tossing her pen to a fellow classmate.

"Little girl," snapped the bus driver. "Do I have to drag you off the bus?"

"N-no." I crammed the journal into my book bag, blushing again. "No."

As I stepped off I added - to my disgust - timidly, "H-have a g-good day."

"Yeah, right," he snorted. "You can shove that right up your - "

I fled.

:**_Recollection:_**

Yes, my name is Hinata Hyuuga. And I'm considered a failure.

Maybe it's because of my stammering. (S-s-stammering). It's something I hate myself, but can't express to anyone else. Why? (W-w-why?) Because I can't get a word out without stammering, stuttering, tripping over my own feet.

Which have grown a lot, by the way.

Embarrassing.

I've gotten taller since tenth grade. (And I was always considered the shortest in my class. Huh.) Taller, maybe. But still not with much personality. Which sucks. (S-s-sucks.)

One date, one single sad date, and that's it for my romantice career. A boy named Jiro. And even then my father had to bribe him.

Seventy dollars.

This is too embarrassing to continue.

Story of my life, I guess.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Homeroom was a blur of noise and confusion. Old buddies discovered their friendship, girls lusted after the guys, bunches of paper airplanes and wadded up notes at the bottom of my feet.

Since it was

a. a Monday

b. too loud

c. only 8:10,

I chose the only possible way out. I wrote.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Crush**: Let's just say I hope I will be Mrs. Hinata Hyuuga Uzumaki i hopefully, hm, near future?_

_**Aspiration**: I want to be a writer._

_**Hobbies**: Writing, drawing. I actually manage to pay attention in class when I do these things. I can't play sports, and I am hopelessly addicted to music._

_**Preferred** **Ways to Die:**_

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

"Preferred Ways to Die?" I wondered aloud. Just as the bell rang.

I looked at my schedule and tried not to scream when people pushed me in the hallways. Many times.

**_:Recollection:_**

Status:

a. single

b. stable

c. safely made it to first period, a.k.a Health with Maito Gai, a.k.a that Freaky Commando Bimbo.

(Let's not be so harsh on the new teachers, shall we? Or should I say, shall me?)

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I grabbed the first row, middle seat on a whim. I wanted people to notice me this year. I wanted to be heard. To be included.

He opened his mouth, and as the words left it, everyone grew still, and stunned. very, very, rather stunnned.

This guy...

...he was a _spitter._

And since he stood right up close and personal (not _that_ way - wait, _yes_, _that way_) near the _front_ row and the _middle_ seat, well, let's just say, aah...

_Spit._

_Spittle._

_Spit._

Suffice it to say, by the gratutious toll of the bell, my hair is literally _moist_ with, uh, saliva. And the fact I hadn't listened to a word he said, or what anyone else snickered - just stared glassy-eyed at the board?

Yay. I loved eleventh grade already.

**_:Recollection:_**

I could run for track. Really. I totally could. Despite the fact that

a. I can't run track

b. I weighed more than yesterday

c. I hardly exercise,

I could definitely. Because most boys (Naruto) are on the track team, I would have loved it.

And the fact that I motored as fast as I could _out_ of first period and into the hallways where I frantically tried not to _scream_ as people pushed me this way and that - (deja vu, anyone?)

By lunch, I'm soaked with perspiration. Of the homework that we receive on the very first day of eleveenth grade. Uh, three pages of math homework, an essay of English, and a project in science.

Valiantly I was the first one there. I chose the table nearest to the window and took out a sandwich from my brown bag. I took a bite. I swallowed. I kept glancing at the clock.

_Where was TenTen_?

The cafeteria was filling up 50sps (students per second, that is) and I still hadn't seen her. She was the girl who suffered through my parent's divorce, complained on school papers, etc, etc, bff for eva, besties.

I looked around - most tables were nnearly _filled_ - except mine. All of a sudden I felt tears prickling my eyelids. The bread felt rough and dry in my mouth.

_Where was she?_

A noise. The dropping of a glass bottle.

I looked up.

Into, basically, the blackest blackest black, black, onyx, moonless, dark, cheerless, depressing, _black, black_,

eyes.

Somewhere in all the adjectives my throat made a noise. "Uh - " and I made an effort to blink, look away, oh nothing's wrong, totally cool, sitting here eating my lunch-mode. (It didn't work).

The owner of the black, black eyes sat down without a word and bit into his rice cake. He had spiky black hair (black, black need I add a further comment?) that trailed in dark locks arond his face.

He wore the traditional black boys uniform (it was, well, good on him) and had a slim build. But tall. Rather tall.

Once again my eyes met his black, black (need I specify?) eyes.

He ignored me.

A shout came from the farthest lunch table. Everyone heard.

"Oi, Sasuke, is she your new girlfriend?"

I just died and went to heaven.

Not.

Very gently I stood up, dumped my lunch into the garbage can, and grabbed my journal (I bring it everywhere, insert a rather hurried smiley face here). I nearly ran into the girls bathroom, feeling like I might puke.

**_:Recollection:_**

Uh, Sasuke Uchiha, basically the untouchable guy in our school?

It doesn't matter if

a. He's untouchable (why, that makes him hard-to-get, honey)

b. He lives (rumor has it) by himself

c. He stares at people codly,

most every girl likes him.

But not me (not because I'm special, I'm just deranged).

Naruto?

Yes, Naruto.

(More about that later.)

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I stood in front of the mirror, trying not to breathe very hard. Difficult, seeing my cheeks were blushing (again) and my palms were sweaty.

Sasuke Uchiha most likely hated me now. Due to that I'm the most unpopular girl (it's true, it's true, sadly, but it's true) and that I got to be (unluckily) declared his girlfriend on the (first day of school) lunchroom where everyone (could hear) was there and that oh why, oh why,

Did I have to choose that lunch table?

I hated high school. I hated it with a _passssssion_. Enrolling at a school in the first place was a mistake. Make it summer, make it a military school, a cyber school, a jail, just not a private school.

I just couldn't fit with the crowd. With the "popular" people. With _anybody._

I heard the doorknob turn. In stepped a blond girl with beautiful curly (blond, of course) hair and the most fashionable wardrobe since buttered bread.

She sniffed daintily (sniffed, I did say sniffed) and bent over the sink to reapply her makeup.

Giving me, as people always do, a once-over. Then, "Are you seriously Sasuke's girlfriend? Because you're really not the type - "

I bit down hard on my lip and stared blazingly ahead. I muttered some incoherent excuse or the other - that would have to suffice as an answer - tears were literally starting to roll down my cheeks - and turned around, stepping into the first bathroom stall I saw.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Preferred death**: Anything but embarrassment. Like now. Also, I want to die a quick death. I hate school, well, not hate, school itself, sort of kind of._

_Just the people in the school. I really don't think I can take this anymore..._

_A quick death includes: heart attack, stabbed in the back, decapitation (head chopped off), driven over by a car, shot at with many bullets._

_Unappealing deaths iclude: Chinese water torture (in which the victim has water dripped on his/her head. The things is, the water droplets are random), choked, strangled, drowned, ripping off by limb, hitting the ground from a very high place, dying of embarrassement _

_(which I think I've done; maybe I've come back to life, sadly)._

_Please let me die right now. Please? Please? Pretty please?_

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I shut the journal and stepped out the bathroom stall. Outside, the bell rang, announcing the arrival of seventh period.

I rearranged my hair - not much _to_ arrange -, trying to smile, trying to be strong. Ready as I'd ever be, I supposed.

My shaking hands found the doorknob and I pushed out quickly. It slammed, considerably loud for a freaking bathroom door, into someone.

My mouth opened in horror and I dared to peek beyond the Evil Bathroom Door.

He glared at me through a bloody nose and a lip that was swelling.

_Sasuke...Uchiha._

Well, at least his blood is red and not black, I thought unceremoniously, as the ground rushed up to me.

Oh, one more thing.

I couldn't stand blood. One look and I would pass out.

* * *

**_I'm not sure whether to continue or not. If the first few chapters don't have enough motivation then I won't._**

**_Please review!_**


	2. Of Toothbrushes and Priests

_**Current Mood:** Me gusta comer tús niños ! BAM! Eat that!_

_**Something Horrible That Has Recently Occurred:** So basically, my school has disowned me. I swear it's true. It - 'it' referring to that vile, evil people-filled hellhole - hates me. If, you know, material things could, ah, express emotion._

_Not that it _**is **_a material thing, being that it could disown me and everything. _

_School is a living, breathing monster where students and faculty (plus janitors) worship the devil and all his Nazis._

_(Wait, that was Hitler.)_

_(And okay, so that was a metaphor. But you get the idea.)_

**Chapter Two**

**Of Toothbrushes and Priests**

I loved to sleep. Sleeping in that hazy sea of nothingness. No nothing, stress, depleted self-confidence, etc, etc. Nothing. Calm and peaceful in -

"Hinata!"

_Eeeep._

My eyes pried open. The nurse flitted around me nervously. "Ms. Hyuuga! Are you okay?"

I blinked. And blinked again. And several more times. Could my day actually get worse? What the _heck_ was I doing in here?

"Ms. Hyuuga," she repeated shrilly. She bent closer, took out a manicured finger, and practically poked me in the eye. "Why do you keep blinking? What's in your eye?"

"Uh...your finger?"

I turned away and sat up; I rubbed my eyes sleepily. She took my pulse, her bracelets jangling.

"Uhm, what time...is it?" I murmured.

"2:39, Ms. Hyuuga." She peered anxiously at me. "The end of eighth period."

_Hell yes._

"Do you need a ride? Call your parents?"

"No..." I stood up, feeling stiff and altogether too weak. "I - I'll take the bus."

"Ms. Hyuuga - you _fainted, _though!"

If I heard 'Ms. Hyuuga, Ms. Hyuuga' one more time, I would have to eliminate her.

(i.e. decapitate, hit, kill, scream bloody murder)

I stepped groggily to the door. "It's okay. I'm fine." Then I remembered. Oh, _crap_. "Wait - Sasuke - where is he?"

"Mr. Uchiha?" she said. "He broke his nose, but he's fine, Ms. Hyuuga."

(i.e. just walk away)

I managed to get out of the nurse's room without hyperventilating/aneurism-ing/hemorrhaging/cracking up. Not of humor, of course. Of...hysteria. (well, _sort of_ humor.)

Sasuke Uchiha? Popular, pretty-boy? _I broke his nose_!

(Oh God.)

On the bus I dissolved into nothingness once more.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

**_Favorite Word_**: _Serendipity. It's full of '-dipity.' No, really. You try saying it. Serendipity, serendipity, serendipity. It's fun._

_**Favorite Saying**: Isn't it the same as 'motto?' Seriously. Agh, whatever. It could be anything, depending on my mood._

_Since my said mood is miserable because_

_a. obviously and rather apparently, I just broke this guy's nose _

_b. the school, I've decided, has disowned me_

_(Not that I have decided. I've just, err, realized it. It was the school's decision. And the pupils'.)_

_-Then my saying right now would be, "Time has always been a great teacher, but unfortunately it has been killing all its pupils." So there._

_**Best Saying**: What the heck is with this journal? Isn't it all the same? Agh, double agh. Here: "All the good things in life will either kill you, make you fat, or get you/someone pregnant!"_

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

On the second day it was a downcast, muddy day. I left early in hopes Hiashi wouldn't vent all his financial problems out on the breakfast table

(a. because it seems that recently everyone vents their problems out on me, and

b. yesterday his elbow got stuck in the strawberry jam).

So there you have it. I actually walked to the school (only twenty minutes away) listening to my iPod (Shuffle, I might add, because my family is so fiscal, i.e tightfisted, i.e. NOT LEAVING _ME_ ANY MONEY).

At homeroom I searched around desperately for TenTen. Her last name; Takani. She should have been in the homeroom directly across from mine. No TenTen. I looked down at my desk. I did not speak a word.

**English Class;**

I was assigned to the same table as; Kiba Inuzuka, Chouji Akimichi, and; Sasuke Uchiha.

I admit; he didn't look _that_ bad with white gauze around his nose. Not _that_ bad. Certainly, still attracting the attention of a passerby. But no, also, certainly not _as "good-looking"_ as yesterday.

"So," he said in a confidential whisper as soon as the other students started researching, "I've got to decide."

I tried not to appear too nervous. So he was talking to me. Well, I'd broken...ah. _Guilt_. He had the right.

"D-decide what?"

"If I should sue you or not."

My stomach dropped. Leaning back, I found that my palms were sweaty. I tried to scrutinize his face. Was he serious? "Sue me?" I managed. "W-what for?"

He crossed his arms, a look of slight arrogance entering his eyes. For, as we all know it, all Uchihas are arrogant.

"For breaking my nose, of course."

I was mute.

"You know how there are strict rules about insurance and things like that."

I made no sound. I could not.

He continued. "I could sue you. For injuring another student. Me."

In another, alternate universe, I would cry out. I would speak out. "No!" I'd say, strong and surely, standing up. "It was an accident. You can't do this." I would declare war, win the argument against him.

I swallowed.

"If I did sue you, fines you'd have to pay could go up to - "

"No," I croaked; forced myself to breath_. Breathe, Hinata. Breathe_. I always made a big deal out of nothing. He did not mean a word he said. "You - can't do this. Y-you know it was accidental."

"Oh, but I _could _tell the court that it _wasn't_ an accident. I could say that you punched me, intending to hurt me."

A raw kind of fury was mounting.

He glanced at me. "Because, after all, no one knows but you and I."

I couldn't take this anymore. Little Hinata had broken free of her shell. Standing up, I knocked over my chair. But I didn't care. I was beyond caring.

"Y-you - " My voice was shaky. Adjust it. "You_ son of a_ - "

Everyone in the library faced my direction. I gulped, my face red with both anger and embarrassment.

" - priest," I finished, flashing a wide smile.. "Son - of - a - _priest_." I glared down atSasuke, who was looking ahead with an amused expression. He managed this. With the nose gauze.

I sat down huffily.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_We will now reserve this space. Because, I respect myself. Also, I get humiliated here. Agh_.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Suffice it to say, by the time that I had realized I had previously _knocked over_ my _own chair_, my bottom had met the floor.

_(Um,) OWW._

The entire class cracked up. I felt tears in my eyes. Okay, alright, darn it, so very _funny_. I seized the chair and sat down hard, crossing my legs and staring ahead resolutely.

After a few minutes Sasuke spoke (Ah, so the human ice cube _does_ speak without being prompted to. Actually start a conversation. Intriguing. Must study this specimen further.) "That...was stupid."

I glowered at him. "Da - "

He interjected by simply giving me a rather pointed look. I exhaled.

"Darn you to heck, then," I hissed in the fiercest voice I could muster. Which, sadly I admit sounded like a donkey braying. A donkey with arthritis.

"That's better," he returned mildly.

Without warning, I felt the tears start all over again. grabbed the Lav pass and raced to the bathroom.

Of course I brought my journal. I smuggled it under the inside of the clipboard with the Lav pass. Smart little me.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Person I Hate:** Person I hate with all my head and heart, for that matter. I **would** say 'hate with all my heart' but some critics argue that you can only love with the heart, and therefore hate with the head. Well, I'm throwing in both body parts for good measure. _

_Leading to the person I hate. Sasuke Uchiha. Asshole. Jerk. Batard. He can't do this to me. He **cannot**. He just can't! It defies all laws of physics. He can't._

_I mean I'm Hinata Hyuuga. I may be shy and timid - I won't mention my public speaking skills here - but I have also made an effort every day to be nice to those people. My very own classmates. And what do they do? They laugh at me. Like I'm a freak._

_Argh, I'm so freaking glad Naruto's not in my class. English is bad enough without him._

_NO! I didn't mean it that way! I mean, if he were here it would make my day - at least, second period - one hella better. He brightens up my day infinitely. (Yummy)_

_However, I'm glad he wasn't here today. On account of the whole 'son of a priest' thing. (I mean, PRIEST!) The rest is history. Agh, this one journal entry took too much space. I'm taking up space on the **'Person I Love'** list._

_**But**...that's fine. I've mentioned him already._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Bathroom trips were 5 minutes. I'd taken up at least ten. I hurried back to the library where the class was lined up for the bell. Sasuke was sitting in his usual chair, appearing oh-so-calm and oh-so-stoic.

If only they knew. If ony _I_ knew what he was like actually inside. He couldn't _really_ be such a cold bastard, right?

He stood up as I collected my books, ready to bolt. As he passed me I heard his undertone, "I'll talk to you next period."

I take it back. He _was_ a cold bastard. (Oh, more accurately, an actual turd. Childish; I know.)

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

**Science**. Yay. If I could get a nickel on how many times I'd burned/cut myself (not that kind of cut. The kind I'm talking about is even more embarrassing) in science experiments, I wouldn't need a job (yes I have a job. At an ice cream shop. Not relevant. More about that later.)

The teacher started a project. With a partner. Guess who I got.

It's all because of that retarded partner pairing method. Since it's only the second day of school and everything, teachers' attitude are all "Aw, none of you students know each other. I'll pair you guys up in any way I want, Muahuahuah!" (Well, not really).

But the method _is_ retarded. Basically, he lined us up in alphabetical order and paired the first and last students together. Then the second student and the penultimate (3-point vocab word, meaning 2nd to last) and so on.

My partner was - (last name begins with U).

Ah, crap.

Naruto..._U_zumaki.

(Sasuke _U_chiha got paired with a skinny red headed girl. Tsukoni Jiryo. Deserved it. Sasuke, that is. Not Tsukoni. Oh, poor Tsukoni.)

So, _Sasuke_, I thought (not maliciously, since I'm altogether too innocent) you can't talk to me _now_, now _can_ you?

I snuck him a triumphant glance. He didn't appear to notice. And then I slumped down.

'Cause I remembered that I had the same class as him next period too, that's why.

"Hinata?" questioned Naruto.

Eeep. Kami help. SOS.

**_:Recollection:_**

So there's this kid named Naruto Uzumaki and he's blond and brave and bold and I've known him since fourth grade, yeah, we're friends, I guess.

_**:Re-Recollection:**_ (in which I sigh, forced to give a better explanation)

**Name**: Naruto Uzumaki

**Blood Type:** B

**Birthday**: 10th of October

**Character**: Impetuous, prankster, hero. My hero.

**Relation to Yours Truly**: Crush, as in, one-sided. (well, I hope it's not, but it's sad truth)

**Height:** I don't know. Yet.

**Weight:** Don't know. (Yet).

**Status**: Single, baby!

**Color of toothbrush**: Blue

(So what if I kinda-sorta follow him around eavesdropping on hs conversations!)

(Okay, okay. Stalking, then)

( - But the conversation was loud! _So not _my fault to overhear!) Goes something like this; it happened two years ago:

**Stern Teacher a.k.a. Mr. Ebiso**: Where's your homework, Naruto?

**Errant Student a.k.a. Naruto**: Uh...forgot it at home. Believe it!

**ST**: I have no trouble in doing so.

**Naruto**: (sheepishly)...Ha...haha...

**ST**: I will need to call home.

**Naruto**: No! No; why!

**ST**: (pauses) This is your fifth time.

**Naruto:** ...

**ST: **(smacks lips) I will also be issuing you a detention.

**Naruto**: ...No...fair.

**ST**: (waggles eyebrows, resembles a chipmunk) (stern voice) Naruto, if you continue this, I will have to report this to the authorities. I mean, principal.

**Naruto**: ...

**ST**: Okay, Mr. Uzumaki?

**ST**: (in horrible Italian) _Capiche_?

**Naruto**:...

**ST**: (waits for answer)

**Naruto**: (suddenly) My toothbrush is blue!

So there ya have it.

And now? Now I had to work with him.

Oh, hell.

* * *

**_Thanks for all your reviews! _**

**_I tried to make this chapter longer... Here's me hoping this chapter will do as well. So review again please! _**

**_Uhm, the next chapter should come out soon. I have something of a plot._**


	3. Try and Say It!

_**Quote of the Day**: It's not easy being cheesy!! This journal - it loves quotes, or what?!_

**Chapter Three**

**Try and Say It!**

It was in 4th grade when I met him, when we were both nine. On the first day of school, I remembered I was tremendously nervous. I couldn't even tie my own shoes.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**:Recollection:**_

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

My fingers shook all the way to the bus. Why am I so scared? I wondered, cringing even from a butterfly.

_It's just...fourth grade._

But it wasn't _just_ fourth grade. From first to third grade I had a private tutor. Father enrolled me at Konoha Academy for "public speaking skills" and "social interactions" and "communicating with others".

A.k.a,

"to not be a sociopath", or "not be socially inept", or "stop trying so hard to be always independent".

(Too bad I still am (and always will be.))

I don't recall the first time I met him, but I distinctly remember when Naruto skidded in the classroom a few minutes after the bell. Uh-oh.

The teacher, an old, decrepit white-haired woman, glanced sweetly up. "And who...?"

"Naruto Uzumaki!" the blonde-haired boy yelled excitedly, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki!"

And the he stared hard at the teacher.

She blinked.

"Are you gonna die anytime soon, Old Granny?"

"To your desk, Nalote," she wheezed.

"It's Naruto! Na-ru-to!"

"Nartoe?"

"No!" He stood up on his desk. _On_ his desk, literally, and he chanted, as bold as heck, to the poor teacher, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I like teriyaki! I'm not always belated, but you're always constip - "

"Nalote," she croaked in warning.

"Yeah!" he cheered, oblivious to all the stares, including mine. It wasn't every day I saw a student perform a constipation song. But then again...

"Yeah!! But the teriyaki part isn't true, though. I had to put it in 'cuz it rhymed. I like ramen! I love r - "

He stopped rather suddenly. "I have another poem!" I imagined that this was a poetry phase. Even for a fourth grader he acted similar to a first grader.

"The roses are wilting, the violets are dead!"

The class was greatly entertained, and waited for him to continue.

"Sugar is lumpy, and - and - "

The class leaned forward imperceptibly.

"and - so is your head!"

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

That was the very first memory I contained about him. I treasured it. I would wonder about what he thought about me. Was I pretty as a fourth-grader? Did he notice me? Did he think about me every night like I did about him?

Did he like me as I liked him?

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

The years passed, though, and it was evident he still did not know I existed. I was just a small consciousness, floating around in school like everyone else. But somehow I was smaller. Insignificant.

In eighth grade, the school held the graduation prom at the end of the year. I wore

a. an unflattering skirt which I hated,

b. a tight, too small blouse,

c. and ugly black shoes.

Because of

a. this all-too formal attire,

b. and the fact that I didn't wear makeup (not allowed by Father, naturally),

c. plus I stayed up all night fretting about this,

said facts led to dyeing of hair.

But at least it wasn't pink or purple. I chose a beautiful burnt sienna - like a mahogany brown - and then? I dyed it.

My father yelled my name, irritated. I was ready. I didn't dare look into the mirror, but wore a large, baggy coat and hood. In the car I almost cried. The prom was the mark of the end of eighth, beginning of high school. I hated endings.

I tripped several times. When I arrived the lights were already extinguished - I was late for at least half an hour - so thankfully my hair didn't show.

All the while people smiled and laughed, having a good time. I remembered I laughed with them, nervously fidgeting with my fingers.

It was dark.

Slowly I began to relax.

What an atmosphere - beautiful, but cheesy, of course - songs.

And I got to see Naruto dance. Sort of.

As for the hair, no one noticed. When I went home I discovered that I was either horribly inept at dyeing hair, or that the instructions were messed up.

Three tiny locks of hair had been turned...yellow.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_End "Recollection"._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

After school **cleaning the classroom**. Is what I got when I sped into eighth period history late for three minutes. Ouch. Not really detention, but worse. (cleaning a _claassroom?) Ugh._

It turned out that Naruto (of course) had volunteered before, and he had dragged Sasuke (unwillingly, of course, Sasuke, I mean) with him.

I hate my life.

Now I _love_ it!

...not.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

The whole thing was so profoundly stupid. I didn't need to be nervous. We just swept in silence, and bam, though it's awkward, there goes thirty minutes. I got lost in the thirtieth dust bunny.

Naruto leaned his broom against the wall. "Uh, Hinata," he said.

"What?" I tried to act nice but not too smiley. Smile, smile, Hinata!

"Uhm..." He scratched his head. (So beautiful, so blond, so beautiful!) "Uhm...you know the dance?"

"Ah - ah, yes." What was I doing? I sounded like an idiot! One of those "Ah, ah, _yes_, of course, _yes, yes,_" people.

"Will you - um - "

My heart pounded so loudly I was surprised it didn't explode right then and there.

" - go with me?"

The ceiling broke.

I was in heaven. In the skies. God had just asked me to be his faithful wife. God!

I stared into the Face Of God, opened my mouth, trembling at what to say to a God, (a God!) his Godly godling Godliness -

"Uh, Hinata?"

"Y-yes!" I managed. "I'll be with you forev - "

"Good."

I was once again dropped, forced, crash-landed, onto Earth. Ouch.

He smiled cheekily. "Thanks, Hina-chan! The dance is in a week, so I thought I'd get it over with." He dumped his dustpan into the trashcan, grabbed his coat, strode out the room. "Bye."

I blinked dazedly. Here it was, my chance at being smart, and I'd lost it. _But he wants to go to the dance...with...me..._

_!! - gasp! - !!_

Naruto's part of the loor was shiny. Very glossy-like. Mine was full of cobwebs still. Rather suddenly my broom was snatched away. I nearly lost my balance.

"I'll sweep for you."

"Uh..."

Sasuke's temper, never patient, was beginning to crumble. "I said I'll sweep for you. You're taking too long."

"Oh - okay." Awkwardly I stood by him while _swchop, swchop_, he flicked hs wrist, and eureka, the dust flew gladly to the middle in a perfect arc.

(Fem-bot. He would make a good housewife. Plus, show-off.)

When he finished he looked over at me. "Why so happy?" - and then I realized there was a ginormous smile on my face. I frowned. "The - the dance. Of course."

"The dance is boring."

"Y-you can't say that!"

"Very boring."

"Ha! You're just...saying that because _you_ don't have a date!" I was surprised, but not altogether shocked, at my words. It was true.

He said nothing.

"I bet you're jealous of me," I warbled in a sing-song voice. I never stammered when I sang. "_Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii bet you're jealous-of-me!"_

"Stupid," he snapped. "Why would I be jealous of you? I don't want Naruto for a date."

"Why...n_ooooooo_t?" I wondered dreamily at what Naruto would look like in a tux. (Actually, I couldn't imagine.)

"I'm not gay."

I blinked. "Ah, ah - I didn't mean it that way - I meant - "

"Never mind." He pushed the broom to the wall and gestured to the floor. "Clean that up."

"You said...y-you'd do it for me."

"I said I'd _sweep_ it for you. _You_ put it in the trash."

_(Damn loopholes!)_

I would have gladly, gladly, single-handedly, done exactly what he asked me to if

a. Naruto had _not_ asked me to the dance,

b. DANCE! DANCE!,

c. I can't wait for the DANCE!

d. oh wait,

e. - if I didn't know Sasuke.

But I _knew_ him. At least, a little. Enough to think of his lofty manner as all bark no bite. (But I couldn't imagine Sasuke as a dog anyway...)

"I'm not doing it," I declared, just as when Rudolph declared, _"I'm independent,"_ or in the movie -

He kicked the dustpile. It flew everywhere. "Well, me neither."

I glared down at the dust. "I - I'm _not_ cleaning it up! Y-you didn't have to do _that_ - "

"I'm not cleaning it."

We held each other's gazes in a standstill. I was sure my face was blotchy.

I narrowed my eyes.

He narrowed his.

Breathe breathe.

Breathe breathe.

"I - I'm _not_ cleaning it up."

"I'm _not_. Either."

"Copycat."

Silence.

Silence.

Finally, a sigh.

"Let Naruto do it when he comes in tomorrow," I said aloud as the idea popped into my head.

"Let Naruto," he agreed quickly.

I grabbed my coat and hightailed it out.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I should have seen it coming. _We_ should have seen it coming. I/We/You/Me/He/She/It/They should have seen it coming.

The teacher was furious when he found his room with dust sticking to everything. Even dust in his coffee! (Uh-oh. Teachers need their caffeine, or they'll be mean. Such as now.)

"WHO DID THIS?" Mr. Farrell roared.

I raised my hand meekly.

"Detention, Ms. Hyuuga!"

"Wait!" Naruto glanced at me, worried. My face blotched. Wonderful. "I did it too!" he protested.

"Detention for - "

"NO! I MEAN." Naruto breathed, _"SASUKE_ did!" He awaited with his ingenious plan.

Sasuke glowered.

"Detention for you, Mr. Uchiha."

Sasuke gave Naruto and me the DeathGlare.

"...And Ms. Hyuuga. And Mr. Uzumaki."

Sasuke smiled in satisfaction.

* * *

_**Best Insult With No Curse Words**: What the heck. This is one random journal. And it's only what, page four? Five?_

_Neway, it's probably, "What's that on your face? Oh, it's a face."_

_**Instruments Played**: I play piano. Bite me._

_**Future Aspirations**: BE A FAITHFUL WIFE! And I can't WAIT for the dance._

_**Weirdest Conversation**: This is a really random journal!_

_Um._

_Ah._

_OOOOOOOHHH!!_

Student_: (calls out) What's the square root of 356? Is it 17?_

Teacher_: No._

Student_: 18?_

Teacher_: No._

Student_: 19?_

Teacher_: No._

Student_: This is too hard! Can I quit math?_

Teacher_: No,_

Student_: Woah! (counts on fingers) That's four no's in a row! How about five?_

Teacher_: No._

_-Okay it wasn't that random. Or weird. But it was...weird. If anyone wants to know, the square root of 256 is actually 16. Future reference._

_**Worst Insult With Curse Words**: - You - bleep bleeper of a bleep, what the bleep do you bleep think you're bleeping bleeping, bleep? BLEEP! What a bleeping bleeper, bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep **aardvark** bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep **stethoscope** bleep!!_

_**Worst Habit**: I curse in my head. A lot. A lot._

_Also, stuttering. Also, stalking. Sort of. But I consider it, um, a hobby?_

_**Average Lifespan of a Fingernail**: Sick. very sick._

_**Name**: This journal is screwed. Hinata Hyuuga._

_**Name I Wish I Had**: Luna. It's so beautious. Say it. Luna. Luna Luna. It means pertaining to lunar, which is moon. Of by the way, Hinata Hyuuga means "Sun-Sun." What the hell? Seriously! And Neji means, "screw."_

_Oh, the implications._

_Hyuugas aren't good at names. At, like, all._

_**Misused Word**: Like. Definitely like. I hear it all the time. Like, all the time._

_**Weirdest Two Words Combined:**_

_I have three examples of this! Ready? They're hard to say! You must try, okay?!_

_Earthly herbs. It's just so - erb-ular. _Er_b-tastic. Erb-n_omen_al._

_But promise to try say it? I can't say it, that's for sure. _

_Specific statistics._

_And third, but not least._

_Pistol pistil pastel pasta. (okay getting off topic)._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

**_Hinata Hyuuga  
Vocabulary_  
_English Class_  
_Three Verbs: Homework_**

**Conniving**: (_verb without subject_)  
**Definition**: Secretively plotting  
**Sentence**: He's conniving!

**Defect**: (_noun_)  
**Definition**: a shortcoming, fault, or imperfection  
**Sentence**: He has an arrogance defect. No - an arrogance _effect._ A modesty defect. (What's the dif. between defect and defection?)

**Onyx**: (_adjective_)  
**Definition**: pure, jet black  
**Sentence**: His onyx eyes are conniving.

* * *

You can see Hinata's doesn't exactly excel at vocab. (Neither, inccidentally, do I.) And sadly, sadly? This was supposed to be a serious chapter... Also, I can't use prettier dividing sections music notes/dashes because, well, of FFnet and that whole thing. Drat. (But the whole **X**xxxx**X**xxxx**X** isn't that bad...)

Oh, next chapter: Prepares/goes to/trips while at the/ dance! YAY!

Thanks for all your reviews, you knock my sox off! (cheesy, no?)

_**TBC-**_

**_P.S PLEASE please please por favor, vote on my poll! There are cute pics, too! Thanx!_**


	4. The Tide is Changing

Disclaimed by Yours Truly: © by Masashi Kishimoto!!

* * *

_**Your Career:** At the detention we were separated. Naruto had the easiest job - he was to clean the classroom, B121, again._

_Me? My 'career' to go to the cafeteria and wipe all the tables. Revolting._

_And Sasuke; he had to scrub the toilets._

_The boy's, of course._

_Scrub. The. Toilets._

_(I think his smirk has pretty much disappeared now.)_

**Chapter Four**

**The Tide is Changing**

'Two days later' means

a. A clean B102,

b. A shiny cafeteria,

c. and -

Dirty toilets. (The boys' of course. Not that the girls' weren't dirty either, never mind.)

You see, with such a divine Sex God (coined by other girls) shouldn't be reduced to the labor of scrubbing toilets, right?

Nah, because

a. Saskue's not a Sex God,

b. He's not even a lesser deity,

c. He's more like a vampire.

But I'm getting off in tangents. He refused to scrub the toilets. Therefore, he got suspended for three days. Someone Up There must really hate him. (I could say he didn't deserve it, but um...hello? He could have scrubbed the toilets like a good little janitor, but no-oo. His downfall was his fault. Completely.)

(But I do feel for him)

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

From the last two days I also had -

-five torn pantoses, on account I got frustrated and jammed my feet into them on practicing how to dress for the party,

-demolished shoes - hey, I threw them in the fire. There were too small. Hiashi was too tired to notice the burnt rubber smell.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Favorite Journal**: You, of course. Only you._

_**Favorite Color**: Naruto! I-I mean, blue. Cerulean blue._

_**Person Who Does Not Acknowledge You For Who You Are**: Naruto. Sasuke. Hiashi. Everyone._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

On the test I doodled an I -heart- Naruto Uzumaki on it. Unintentionally of course, _of course_. I nearly had a brain aneurism right there, erasing it. Where the hell went my common sense? Though I was officially asked out by Him, God, I was still the quiet, weird girl. Nothing could change that.

The next day - two days before the DANCE - Kakashi called me to his desk after class. Apprehensively I scooped up my books and walked over to him, shifting my foot in nervousness.

"Your test." He handed me my paper with a frown. Only I couldn't tell because of his mask. But his mask was frowning.

F.

Big fat red stinking F.

37.

Percent.

Um...

Ouch?

Wordlessly my mouth formed words. I couldn't spit them out.

"Hinata...since this is only the second week of school you grade has been pulled down to a 49."

I gulped. He leaned back, shaking his head.

I was dead.

I was really, _really_ dead. Burnt toast. ROADKILL. Standing there, I realized how happy I had been thirty minutes ago. But this...

An _F._

Hiashi...

would _kill_ me.

"Um," I croaked, "I'll leave now - "

"Wait," he said, indicating to a small word on the test. "You wrote '_dance_' here." He pushed the test to me. "You can't go to the dance if you're illegible."

"W-_what?_" Since _when_? I had never known. So far in high school, no one had asked me, and I wasn't exactly on top of the social fool chain.

The world was crashing down upon me.

"...No one has ever passed my class," he confessed rather suddenly, sitting straight.

"B-but - Sasuke - "

"He has 100, yes. But it's only the second week. By the end of the marking period...nosedive."

"W-why would you do that?"

He gave me a look. "Hinata, this is AP Biology. To test a student to maximum potential, the idea is to throw in a few curves, put in the hardest projects at the end. Consistency is key."

The words washed around my stunned, deslusional mind. With difficulty I unpried my tongue. "Th-that's - " ..._not fair, _I added silently. I looked away, tears threatening to implode.

An F! Never, ever got an F. Father...going to be...furious.

I walked backwards with stumbling legs, my mouth dry. School..._damn school!_ I _hate_ this class!

"Wait."

I stopped.

"There's still a chance for a C. Passing. If you really, really want to go to the dance."

I looked at him warily but with hope. He had a strange glint in his eyes.

"H-how?" I managed.

He beckoned, his face mysterious under his mask. "Here's what I want you to do..."

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Mood**: Pissed._

_**Current Quote**: PISSED! 'Cause who the HELL does he think he is! A freaking teacher! With a bad perverted attitude! I give up! What is his PROBLEM! Is he someday gonna be some old man PEDOPHILE?! YEA! He probably IS! What a twisted weirdo!_

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Icha Icha Books.

Was what I was going to buy.

At the local pervert bookshop store.

Where the man selling them was really creepy.

With white hair.

And a creepy attitude.

_Really_ creepy.

XX

Hyuuga, Hinata  
1031-429210  
Item: Icha Icha Books  
Quantity: 3 boxes  
Cost: 15  
Subtotal: 45  
Total: 50.00

XXX

Fifty dollars...bye went most of my allowance. I had sixty dollars saved from small jobs in the summer...my, pretty, yummy allowance...gone!...but I hope it was worth it...

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

That night I dreamed about a nightmare. Techinically it's 'nightmared'. I was in the Arctic.

I was a penguin.

Presently another penguin waddled up to me with difficulty on his short stubby penguin legs. he had penguin hair that was sort of slicked up in the back like a chicken's.

Ad then, it was like my mouth had a mind of its own. Hence, nightmare.

**Me**; I love you.

**Other penguin, which resembled Sasuke**; I love you too.

**Me**; I think you're beautiful.

**Other penguin**; I think you're beautiful too.

**Me**; I like the way you smile.

**Other penguin**; I like the way you smile too.

**Me**; I live in your mome's closet. Your moms' closet is very spacious.

**Other penguin**; Your face lives in my moms' closet. Your face is spacious.

And with that he picked me up and threw me into the icy cold Arctic water. Where seals ate me up.

Harsh.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

"100," he croaked, shooting up from his desk and rushing over to the boxes the next day. "I give you 100."

"Wait - " I opened the box with a scissor and pulled out a shiny, glossy make-out book. "Um, 101." Just to spite Sasuke.

"101," Kakashi agreed immediately, his eyes full of glimmering coruscation. Eye, single, actually, considering he always wore a cheesy cowboy hat over his left eye. It was the greatest wonder - how only one eye could grow so big and...

Well, chibi-like, with many shiny circles with an adorable, miraculous appeal.

Eeew.

"101," he repeated.

My eyes were literally twitching from his glittering face.

"WAhoohohoho!!" Like a predator pouncing on prey he shot out of his desk and flew to the boxes of books.

I walked out of school with a light heart and the broadest smile I thought I'd ever worn.

_Maybe, just maybe, 11th grade is going to be The Year. The Year to shine. Me! Hinata Hyuuga._

_I, for one, can't believe this._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

After brushing blush on my cheeks, I donned my light blue dress, the one I never had a chance to wear last year, combed my hair, painted four sets of nails, and chose the least offending off my shoes.

They were high - but not too much - red, strappy sandals with silver bows and more silver lining.

Breathing slowly, I gaced at mirror. I never wore makeup or anything special for school, and usually some old sneakers.

As I saw myself, I expected a complete and utter transformation. Prom girl stories included bragging about looking like pricesses.

I looked like...the girl. Who was too shy. Ugly.

And introvert.

I tried to smile but I couldn't. So I turned my head away. My eyes were too downcast, shy, my nose too small. The Hyuuga family had large, prominant noses to give character. Mine didn't at all.

And my skin - in the lights, it looked so starkly white and bloodless.

My hair looked lke the experiment of some grease and oil. It stuck in clumps down my neck. My shoulders were small, giving the impression I had the figure of a fifth grader, and my legs? Too short. With flared jeans at school they were fine, but this..this...!

Ugly. Failure. Was that all I was to become? I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, about makeup.

The phone rang, a sharp, shrill sound. Wearily I picked up, wiping my eyes.

"H-Hyuuga r-resid-dence."

"HI HINATA! IT'S TENTEN!!"

"W-wah!" I forgot my own despairs instatly and focused on being happy for her.

"Where were you? Are you back?!"

"Aw, Hinata, it's nice hearing your voice again! You never stutter when you're with me - go, girl!"

"TenTen..."

"Agh. I was sick with a sinus infection."

"Oh my God - are you okay?! - infections are really - "

"Yup! Actually I was 'okay' two days ago, but I faked sick to miss school!" She laughed merrily. "Oh!"

"What?"

"Ah! Hinata, the dance! Are you ready?! I can't believe - " Suddenly there was loud clanking in my ears and muffled shrieking. A second later I heard laughter. "Oh, hi," she said breathlessly, giggling. "Kiba. My date."

"Really? Are you serious?" I tried to remember way back if she'd mentioned him at all, but I couldn't. "When did you guys...um..."

"I met him a few days ago. We're live in the same neighborhood!"

"Aw. Picture for posterity?"

"Ah, shut up."

I laughed a little. "Where did you meeet him?"

"Swimming pool!!"

"Uh...TenTen...I thought you were sick..."

"My mom doesn't know _that_, now does she? - EEe!! I'm so excited!! Are you coming? Do you have a ride?! DO YOU HAVE A DATE, MOST IMPORTANTLY?!"

"Uh, yea. N-naruto."

"Awesome! Ew, the weird constipated dude!"

"TenTen, shut - up! That was several years - "

She giggled. "I'll come over - Kiba's gonna drive - to pick you up. Are you meeting Naruto at the dance, or is he...?"

"Meeting him at dance."

She made a 'tch' sound. "Want me to bring anything? A dress? My whole wardrobe?"

I hesitated. "Makeup?"

"Sure! Be there or be square."

"Never..."

"Haha! Bye! Catch you soon."

She hung up.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Favorite Songs**: Any song they play at the dance! Except the slow, boring ones and the ancient ones with awful tunes, like some Paula Abdul ones._

_I love Bleeding Love and Love Song...XD squeals._

_**Thing You Hate About Crush**: NOTHING. I LOVE HIM FOREVA AND EVA!! I cannot wait...I can't wait...I an't-cay ait-way...no puedo esperar..._

_**Status**: I actually look decent, much kudos to TenTen. I wish I looked like this all the time. She made me wash and cut off three inches of my hair, though. Now it's roughly chin length...eep._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Like a giggling highschooler (wait - she is in highschool - ) TenTen pulled Kiba over to behind the curtain. I can only presume what they did.

TenTen had changed so much from last year. She had avoided boys at any cost then, wore only pullovers and jeans, and always tied elastic bands over her wrists for a ponytail. She was tough, lovable, and stood up for what she believed in.

I berated myself silently. Her strong personality hadn't changed. Besides, she wholly deserved this new change of pace. I could only hope I could keep up and continue being friends with her.

_Of course I can_, inwardly I admonished. _You're being paranoid._

I hurried over to the punch table where Naruto sat, chatting animatedly with Sakura.

He wore a dark blue shirt and black pants. Sakura was dressed in a tight-fitting pink, frilly strapless dress. It hugged her body in all the right places. I felt like a fading image next to her.

But he was...my date.

He smiled at me and my heart plummeted a few inches in nervousness.

"Want to dance?"

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_**Bliss**: Bliss is bliss. The time has passed so slowly, yet quickly. I've only danced two songs with them. They were: The Macarena and another fast song. I can't ask for much more. I'm happy. Blissful. Ooo, next is a slow song. I hope...I hope..._

* * *

Awkwardly I posed, sweating, a curl of my hair escaping my neat hairdo, with my hand at his shoulder. The music sang softly, the lights pink and dim.

"Hinata," Naruto said softly. "I need to tell you something."

"W-what?"

"Okay...so pretend there's this boy and girl. They love each other very much."

I imagined the perfect picture of a rainbow. And blue, blue sky. I relaxed ever so slowly.

"Go on, Naruto."

"But the boy decided to date another girl. A girl he didn't quite like."

Argh, a thorn in the rose.

"So, Hinata...what should he do?"

Very gently I smiled up at him. The scenario felt so much like mine, Naruto's and Sakura's.

_He loved me. He loved me!_

"He should," I whispered, my heart feeling as if it might fly, "dump the other girl and go back to the first girl." I tiptoed up, tilting my face. It seemed so perfect. For my very first kiss. "The girl he loves."

His hand trailed my waist. Naruto backed away slowly. "I'll do that."

I felt so impossibly uplifted. He...loved me. _He's finally noticed me after all these years! After all these years! I can't believe this!_

Tears followed the path down my cheeks. I was so happy, so deliriously happy, I didn't care. I loved him.

He took a deep breath.

"I'm dumping you, Hinata. I'm sorry. I think I like Sakura. I'm dumping you."

* * *

_**Keep reviewing.**_

_**Why? Because everytime you don't review, Neji wastes another bottle of shampoo.**_

_**Please, think of the shampoos.**_

_**...I feel so morbid today. Berrrrr!!**_

_**A/N: Any of you guys who are interested: Journal entry ideas are welcome! As in, the journal part, not the Hinata part. Send in ideas! I'm waiting ;)**_


	5. My Heart is Damaged

_There once was a girl who got dumped by a messy, clueless, ADD infected, ramen-obsessed idiot._

_That girl was me._

**Chapter Five**

**My Heart is Damaged**

He dumped me. _He_ dumped me. He _dumped _me. He dumped _me._ He dumped me.

He - Naruto Uzumaki my first and only love - dumped me.

I smashed a fist at the bathroom mirror and crumpled to the floor. My dressed was wet - with tear. The sash lay tattered and dirty on the floor.

Vision began to haze with angry, confused tears. I sobbed, ashamed, onto the floor, cradling my head in my hands.

Damn it.

_Damn._

"D-d-d - "

_This can't be happening. I've love him for ages, so long, so long. This is not happening. It can't simply happen._

I rubbed at my eyes.

The image in the mirror was terrifying. Puffy eyes, red nose, bird's nest hair. The 100 dollars I'd spent on the shoes- not to mention 180 for the dress, and buying Kakashi those books and all those years of loving him

and lovng him and loving him and -

loving him -

Stop. -

_loving him! - _

_I'D LOVED HIM! - _

_,no,no,please, God, no...no,no - _

_I'D REALLY LOVED HIM! - _

...and now...nothing. Nothing.

I ripped off the paper towel with a savage motion and trembling hands.

"Fuck."

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I swung open the door - Wham -

Sasuke stood there with his nose gauze. He was massaging his right arm. We stood like that for a couple of seconds. The expression on his face, I might have described it as priceless if I'd been -

_If I hadn't been dumped._

He assessed the situation slowly with a quirk in his mouth. "You...again."

I bent my head down, hiding my tears that failed to stop.

"P-please - "

I paused, biting my lip. " - N-never m-m - "

All of a sudden there was a flash of pink. In the corner of my eye I saw -

Sakura was dancing with Naruto. They were both laughing.

_Well, what did you expect?_ demanded a harsh voice.

I pushed Sasuke away, running to the door in my effort to _get out of here, anywhere but here - please - God, no, don't let me see him with Her - with - w-with Sakura - never again - the pain - _

_The pain - _

I don't know how long I ran.

After everything, I didn't know if I ran or walked or limped, but I ended up on my bed, choking my sobs into the bedspread.

Presently I was too tired to cry. My shoulders heaved with dry sobs.

"M - my date was Naruto...He dumped me..."

Tiredly I slipped onto my bed, facing up at the ceiling. I shivered. Words found themselves to my mouth and I murmured them to the cold night air.

"It's a waste, is w-what it is. It's such a d-damn waste."

"Sometimes I hate him. Llike right now. And the times that he ignored me. "S-sakura, Sakura." The sound came out half-strangled. "But...he's so nice. He even asked me out. Me! Weird, ugly, shy girl who spends her time doodling heart and writing Ms. Hinata Uzumaki!"

"I hate it."

The words burned like hydrochloric acid in my throat.

"It's so funny. So damn f-funny, isn't it?"

"I'm _was _jealous of Sakura. I _had _loved Naruto. Naruto goes for Sakura. I _hate _Naruto. But I'm sill jealous of Sakura! Why?! Why? _Why am I - jealous of her?_ It's not like I still love - "

"Naruto's not even a - a good person!"

" - But - he is! He is. He's so nice, so damn nice." My shoulders rocked back and forth and I looked sideways. I brushed away my mangled hair.

"I - I'm so stupid," I whispered to the emptiness. The room stayed coldly silent.

"It's so ironic. I'm so stupid. I'm demented. I'm a stupid girl. I hate to be me."

"I h-h-hate to b-be me..."

The hiccups slowed down and my eyes shut. My soul drifted away from my fatigue.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I slept like a dead man. The next day at ten I awoke. I heaved my book bag up, cursed in my head, and hoisted myself into the kitchen for breakfast.

Hiashi raised a thin, stern eyebrow.

"You expect me to drive you."

I nodded, my head feeling like it was spinning.

"Walk."

I bit the inside of my cheek in frustration and turned my heel. If I ran fast enough I could forget about _him_.

I flew.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Everything passed in a blur. No one talked to me at all. If I hadn't said a single word - which I didn't - no one would confront me, say anything. Could you ever imagine everything ignoring you at school?

People milled around me, talking about summer tans -

"...Yeah, and the price there is, like, a few hundred dollars..."

"...Did you _see_ me at the beginning of the year? I was, like, black."

I opened my journal for condolence. The first words that caught my attention were:

_**Future Aspirations**: Let's just say I want to be Ms. Hinata Uzumaki in the, hm, near future, shall we?_

The tears started, and overflowed. The flood inundated all five of my senses. All of sudden I just couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything. I clutched the desk with white fingers and just gasped for air.

"Hinata? Ms. Hyuuga? Would you like to go to the nurse' office?"

I jerked my head in what I hoped to send the message.

All around me people were finally taking notice, but I didn't want them to. They whispered about how weird I was, I knew it.

Before I managed to get out the door I caught sight of Sasuke's eyes.

They were worried.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

The nurse wasn't in her office. I figured I could cut. It was my first time, but I wasn't feeling much guilt, and I was feeling a huge burden of sadness and necessity, so I wandered the halls.

I reached the curve of the hallway, and, before I knew what I was doing, trashed the journal into a niche by the lockers.

**_Future aspirations:_** _Let's just say I want to be Ms. Hinata Uzumaki in the, hm, near future, shall we?_

Ms. Hinata Uzumaki my ass.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Needless to say, I was in a stupor for the rest of the week - October flew by, and it was in the second week of November when I realized that I was slowly killing myself.

There were black and blue shadows underneath my eyes, and my skin had a dull look to it.

I was conveniently surprised when I received my progress report -

B, B, B, A, A plus;..

and a 100 in Kakashi's class. It would have possibly been 101 percent, but the progress reports didn't go above one hundred.

"One hundred?" came a voice suspiciously close to my ear.

Virtually no one had talked to me during the whole week. TenTen trailed along Kiba, leaving me alone and saturnine.

I jumped.

"One...hundred?"

"Y-yeah."

Sasuke squinted. His nose gauze had come off a few days ago. "Impossible. Give me that."

I let him take it. "W-what do you have?"

He failed to answer, but stood up immediately. His foot brushed mine as he strode over to the teacher's desk. The class's eyes were trained on him like predator stalking prey; it was rather rare to see Sasuke confronting the teacher.

"Kakashi."

"Sir."

"Kakashi, _sir._"

"Oh - no. I was calling you sir."

A few girls giggled, much to the silver-haired teacher's delight.

"One hundred," came Sasuke's stoic and un-lengthy reply; he promptly shoved my progress report into the teacher's arms. "One hundred in _this class_. One hundred when you virtually failed eighty percent of the students here."

"That I did," Kakashi sighed mildly.

"One hundred, and from - " Sasuke broke off and gave me a frustrated glance. He turned back around quickly. "Sensei, one hundred? _I_ didn't get one hundred. _I_ - "

Now everyone was actually leaning in, their faces coursing excitement.

"Never mind," he muttered, seeing that Kakashi wasn't going to give a satisfactory response. Mainly because my one hundred involved teacher-student bribery, which could be considered illegal and unconstitutional. Funny how Kakashi taught U.S Government.

Sasuke returned to his seat and slouched, looking distinctly ruffled.

Class resumed; worksheets galore. Worksheets were easy. Most of them asked your opinion.

The bell pealed and I gathered my books, feeling slightly better in a long time.

"So how did you?"

"W-what?" I looked at him. His eyes appeared mad in the bright light.

"Your grade..."

"..." I shook my head, words failing me. Staying away from everyone in several weeks made me talking-unable. He continued to stand there, with a confused, exasperated expression.

"You haven't been yourself," was what he finally said.

"M-me?"

"Since last week...or even earlier...come to think of it, the dance. And - " A few people turned to assess our situation - "Naruto. Where's he? Weren't you guys - weren't you - ?"

"N-never mind."

"Weren't y - "

I was rapid to change the subject. "I - I s-said never m-mind. What's...your grade?"

He paused. If this weren't Sasuke, I would say he was making a face.

"Ninety...six."

"Oh."

* * *

I hadn't dressed up in decent clothes since the dance. I just couldn't drag my body to the closet to pick out clothes. But this afternoon I did. Sasuke's words made me feel better, I didn't know why.

I did something else that astonished me. I called TenTen.

"TenTen here."

"Hi. It's Hinata..."

"Oh...Hi, Hinata. What's up?"

"Nothing much," I said quietly.

"Have you been absent for the last few days?"

"No. I was here."

"You must have been very quiet then," she laughed slightly, but my feelings dropped.

"I suppose I was..."

"Well, Kiba's calling my name. Is there, um, anything special ya wanna tell me?"

My stomach churned. _Should I tell her or not?_ I had debated for hours. They said if you told someone, the problem would be cut in half. I wanted so badly for the pain to be lessened even a little.

I shut my eyes. The pain that Naruto had inflicted on me, unknowingly by him, still affected me. I couldn't talk, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat without thinking about it. Whenever I did, tears started instantly.

_Should I tell her?_

"You know, Kiba's waiting...anything you wanna...??"

"No," I whispered. "Nothing."

And then there was the dead, quiet click of the phone as she hung up. I sat on the floor, cradling the phone, overwhelmed by the sense of losing my best friend.

* * *

My emotions hung low in the next week. I couldn't imagine myself as smart or bright; I was just another drone in the school of drones.

Which was why I was astonished when I found the contents of my gym locker overturned. I examined the lock. It was picked.

The tag clearly was labeled, "Hinata Hyuuga." Who would do this? I had nothing of importance in there, no jewelry unlike the other girls.

I shoved my sneakers aside, and that's when that familiar black cover caught my eyes.

Shaking, I turned the journal. _My_ journal.

It was my journal. Impossible! - I hadn't - I hadn't put it here; I'd shoved it in that deep corner where no one sane would find it - how did it get here? I surveyed the room anxiously, but no one paid any attention. As usual.

I lifted the cover and ran my fingers over the coarse paper. My fingers gripped the pages, and flipped them.

Nothing unusual.

Towards the end there was dark blue ink.

I always wrote in purple.

Feeling horrifically apprehensive, I pulled the journal into the light and examined the writing. The handwriting was slanted and refined, looking as if the person who wrote the message ltook his or her time.

_You always seem so quiet in class. _

I swallowed, shivering. Who would write this...and why?

* * *

**_It will be clearer later...! I promise I will update faster! -Takes oath of liberty-_**

**_Sorry for updating never. Thanks for reading and please review!!_**


	6. Hit Rock Bottom

****

If anyoe's wondering, I changed my penname!! Hooray! Thank you magnanimously for the reviews, and - peaches - !-SPLAT-!

* * *

**Chapter Six**

Hit Rock Bottom

_You seem so quiet in class._

Funny how six simple words sent my heart pounding away. I changed into my gym uniform and slammed the locker uneasily, examining the journal. Turning around, I prodded it with the tips of my fingers. However, nothing had changed.

_You seem so quiet in class._

My cheeks flushed with dismay. How much had the person read? I was known for my paranoia; I scrutinized everyone in the gym room. Nothing different. The girls all talked merrily.

No. It couldn't be any of them (right?). My feelings were bursting with apprehension. Rather suddenly, I felt the blood vibrating in my ears. I felt lightheaded.

I needed to know who had read this. I _must_ find out.

"Hyuuga!" Startled, I looked up. "Need a journal for gym?" snapped the teacher briskly.

I shook my head and stuffed the cursed journal into my locker.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

"Hurtles! YEAH!! UP and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 'em!! Boys! Don't be shyyyyyyyyyyyyy. We all know your bodies are significantly different - from girls, but juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuump those huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurtles!!"

Sweating, cursing, old cow, stupid teacher, shut up - the class tripped, hopped, and fell through the hurtles.

This was ridiculous. There were no jumpers in our class, and yet the teacher expected us to jump 20 hurtles in a row?

Throughout tripping, I worried profusely - sweat profusely also - about...that person who had encountered my journal. I'd written so many inward, secret, _honest_ thoughts and opinions in it.

What if the person who'd discovered it was Naruto? My heart clenched. I couldn't admit it - the secret was unbearable. I hated it, yet I knew it to be true.

I still loved him. The way his blonde hair swung cheerfully over his anxious face. He was my science partner, and twice he'd worriedly asked me what was wrong. Dense, rather.

Sakura, on the other hand, couldn't care less - about me or him.

It was almost as if he'd never dumped me in the first place.

I wanted, needed, prayed unconsciously - that I'd forgive him. I think I had done so already.

My eyes smarted with tears. He'd hurt me so much...but I was so stupid, so ignorant - why did I still -

And why was the ground rising?

Oh.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

-Splat went -

My face connected with duck manure. At that instant everything was erased from my mind except, well -

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_Dear God,_

_...You know, I could have been a perfectly limber, adroit and a well-balanced girl, both physically AND metally fit. I could have had blonde hair, blue eyes and I could have not landed in duck manure._

_But nooooooooooooooo._

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

I scoured the hair, leaned into the mirror, and tugged at the towel. My face was thankfully manure-free, but my skin was pink and still horribly red. Gym was almost over, and I heard the girls come in.

I seized the books, glanced twice at the journal, and decided to keep it with me. I hightailed to history.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

"Are you okay?"

I jumped up. Too bad this was history class, not gym. No use for jumping up.

"I - I'm okay. Wait," I frowned at Sasuke's poker expression. "You were in gym. You saw me go under."

"That I did."

"So you should know," I sighed, picking moodily at a scab, "the answer."

"Hm hmm," he said absently.

"Yup." I could always converse - have a conversation with, if that's what it could be called - with Sasuke. He really wasn't such a taciturn person, though extremely grade-centered. Now, even as I picked at my scab and even though I could clearly die of blood loss, he turned to the text book and scanned ahead.

The class commenced. I flipped idly to page 363 and started to tackle the note on scallywags and carpetbaggers.

"Uchiha," drawled the teacher. There was always a small oral quiz in the end of the day, random ones to random people. "Definition of copperhead."

"Midwesterners who sympathized with the South and who opposed abolition."

"Hyuuga. Habeas corpus."

"Uh - uh - constitutional...protection...um..." I hadn't expected this.

"Constitutional protection against unlawful imprisonment."

I wanted to shoot Sasuke a look. I knew the definition.

"Correct, Uchiha, but if I remember correctly, your last name isn't Hyuuga. Neither are you a girl."

The class ogled at Sasuke.

Uncharacteristically, he flushed.

When the bell pealed he followed me. After all the students had filed out, I traversed to my locker. I noticed he was still behind me.

"What?"

"I wrote - I read - "

"What?" I drummed my fingers along the edge of my locker. If he'd read my essay on General William Tecumseh Sherman he would most likely point out several errors. I waited for the criticism.

"I read your journal."

"Wait - _what?!_" I repeated, only this time it was close to a shriek. I jumped up, books toppling to the floor.

He held the books I dropped and handed them back to me wordlessly. Reflexively I snatched them up. His gaze did not waver.

"D-don't tell me you read the whole thing!"

He shrugged uncomfortably. "I had nothing better to do."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded urgently. I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans, leaving lines of sweat.

"I was bored," he implicated.

"N-no! My - wait, you - "

"Never mind," he cut in brusquely. I watched in a distant, hazy vision as he turned and strode away.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

What does this mean?

I kicked the stones by the river. They skipped down the precarious ravine and disappeared into the fog in the bottom, vanishing from sight. Frustrated, I flung my book bag beside me and sat down. The stones cut into my skin.

"What does this mean?" I scowled, my mind searching, but devoid, of an answer.

"It doesn't make...sense. Why would he..."

My leg slowly started to bleed as a black obsidian rock pierced flesh. I bit back a yell and rubbed the skin. Everything was encased with fog, and nothing was lucid. Nothing was clear-cut. There were no exact answers. And it was, ultimately, grating on my nerves.

I wished I could ride a cloud, travel to a faraway kingdom, be a princess, be a serf, anything. Away from here, away from stress, my annoying sister, the ubiquitous problems that seemed to find me and hunt me down whenever I stopped to think.

He was a silent person, I mused. He was just like me. Sasuke never talked to anyone unless talked to, and was one of the first to walk out of a classroom. He never questioned anything, never annoyed anyone. He was alone and often saturnine. I always seemed to catch him staring glassy-eyed at a page in some text book, processing the information but thinking about other things. He multi-tasked. And he was lonely.

In fact...

He was a lot like me.

But someone like me wouldn't be brave enough to write into a journal and return it to a place where the owner of the journal would discover it. I would never look, read, peruse, the journal.

Or would I?

Everyone was so bold, over-confident, in high school. People broke rules and laughed at others in ridicule.

I just couldn't be a part of that.

TenTen was now officially an item with Kiba. Every day they linked hands in the hallway.

I couldn't do that. I would be too nervous to see the reaction of everyone else.

Sakura chased after Naruto and yelled at him in public.

I couldn't do that either. I had no guts, and Naruto...Naruto...

I was a silent, small person. My best friend - TenTen...she was big and big-hearted.

Despondently, I threw a rock into the ravine. If she was my best friend anymore, that was.

"I can't do anything right." Standing up, I discovered the ravine was much steeper. The rocks made no sound. I reached down and seized two large handfuls of granite. Sharp edges cut into my palm. I gripped them harder, upset and alone and frustrated and I can't do anything right I'm not afraid but I am -

I flung the rocks out into the ravine, watching them disappear. Tears flew down my cheeks.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

There once was a girl who couldn't do a fucking single thing right.

Me.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

My foot stuck into a hole and I pitched forward. Breath left me. I crouched down, shoulders heaving, on the very edge of the hill.

It was an intimidating drop.

Small pebbles littered the way, hopping down. I'd been close, too close, to falling.

I imagined everyone seeing me like this. Ashamed, I hung my head. What a twisted person I was. I was so happy in fifth grade, in eighth grade, in sixth grade. Now _that_ was a deep, dark secret.

My grades were top-notch. I had friends. I was _popular_.

Now...

Now I was stuck in the shell of the person I was. Being such a teenager like me must be excruciating hell. I found sadness in little things like songs, and cried and sobbed when anyone laid a finger to criticize me.

I was weak.

I was so weak, so incredibly weak.

Shaking, I dragged my book bag. My home would be a few minutes' walk away.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

When my sister saw me, she smiled in that normal, perfunctory way.

It was routine. She didn't notice the cuts on my legs and arms and hands.

She didn't know I'd been so close to death.

I hugged myself. Suicide...I had thought about. The pain of everything, and then Naruto dumping me.

Just hang on a bit more, I told myself. Hang on a bit more...and when that last thread is cut, you can suicide and leave this god-forsaken world.

On Saturday I hung around my deck, not doing anything. Hiashi upbraided me harshly, but even he was relieved it was the weekend.

My fingers played distantly with my short hair. It was uneven.

It was odd. What I used to find so wonderful - that my hair had grown nearly an inch since the beginning of school - was now primitive and out-of-line. I needed to try and revive my soul, have a mental health day, maybe try something different.

Different...

I traced the wood with a hesitant toe.

Different...

Something _brave_and unlike Hinata Hyuuga who was always declared the weakling.

My thoughts drifted lazily to the ravine from yesterday. It was only five minutes away from my house. I stood up, grasping the doorknob, and trailed outside. The grass tickled my feet. I realized I had no shoes.

It didn't matter. I wanted to do this _now_, right _now_.

I glimpsed the ravine, and soon I saw it full view.

It seemed so much steeper than from yesterday. Wind rattled through the layers, dust billowing into my eyes. I squinted. There was no end in the bottom, yet there _had_ to be.

I would descend into it. I would do that something brave. I would prove myself.

I lowered myself onto the first ridge. It was then I realized the foolhardy decision I'd made as to not wearing shoes. The rocks _imprinted_ on the tough skin of my foot, and I winced.

Still.

This was mandatory, in the sense of proving myself.

A few more feet down, as I gripped the rock layers in a tight hold.

Just a few more feet, a bit more - my knee scrubbed a patch of stones. The raw skin, the raw hurt, the pain - I cried aloud. How many more feet down? How many more injuries could I sustain?

There was a gaping expanse of blackness directly below me. I swallowed, sweat trickling down my face.

_Why am I doing this? Even if I get out of this alive, it was a stupid thing to do. Even if I managed to reach the bottom it's still idiotic._

I grit my teeth and peered up. There were at least five yards between me and the opening. It wasn't that much distance.

I deigned to climb back up, just as tears started to seep down my cheeks. It was useless. I was useless. I'd never do anything to prove myself. The best thing to do right now was get back up, be glad to know I was alive.

Alive but a cowardly fool.

One hand up, a foot up...another yard closer, another yard - I concentrated on only the rocks before me, not daring to look at anything else. I nearly reached the top when the angriest voice I had ever heard in my life was shouting at me.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!"

My foot slipped and my body dropped.

* * *

**I'm alive! I'm ali-ive! (I can feel you all around me, thickening the air around me...(lyrics of Flyleaf!!)**

**Well, yes, I'm alive...**

**Part of the reason why my writing is so emo is because I feel so stressed lately!!**

**If you review I will listen. I know you're all people too, and whether if it's about how my stories suck or the fact 10,000 people died in the earthquake in China, talk to me. (or about the quiz you just failed, like my pop quiz in history XD)**

**I really want to know what you have to say!**


	7. Recuperation

**_a/N:_ I know I have a lot of explaining to do. Suffice it to say, I'm rewriting the whole of _The_ _Journal_ from chapter six. I honestly think I need to rewrite the WHOLE second half, of ch. 7 to 10.**

**Which is why you may need to re-read the last chapter before this one. (I'm awful at recaps).**

**Believe me, there is no Jenean or whatever brown-haired green-eyed guy in this. Reading back, I know I got WAY off track.**

**I hope this chapter has more of a plot, and I hope you like it!**

* * *

_**Your Ultimate Awesome Quote: "**When life hands you lemons, make urinade." – Chip Junior_

**Chapter Seven**

**Recuperation**

"Your favorite book."

"I'm not telling."

"Your favorite movie."

"I'm not going to tell you!"

"Favorite singer."

"Fuck off."

At this he shifted uncomfortably, looking away with a pointed, steely gaze. I noticed his nose was almost fully healed. Lucky.

We wallowed in silence for several seconds, me in guilt and anger, him in something Sasuke-ish.

Finally he swiveled around. He was glaring noticeably.

I smarted, remembering. It was just like when he found me in the ravine. His gaze, intense. His hand, feeling deathly cold as he dragged me up.

But this time it was a mock-glare.

"I don't really have to help you in filling this out, you know." He held up the journal. My journal. "I could be somewhere else."

"Namely, school?" I shot back. I knew that directing all my unspent angst at him was not fair. I knew this. I also knew I didn't _want_ to be fair.

"School is better than being here." He looked straight into my eyes. "With _you_."

My gaze flitted away.

"Sorry," I mumbled, my hands twisting awkwardly on the flimsy bedspread. This hospital wasn't known for its quality.

He sighed, a sharp, jagged exhale of air. He lifted the pen into his narrow fingers again. "Favorite book."

"The Scarlet Letter," I muttered.

The pen hung suspended in the air. Sasuke lifted his head.

"No, way," he accused.

"Rawrgbnimoshpk," I answered smartly.

He paused again, as if I would give him a different reply. When I failed to, he threw the pen down in a dramatic gesture.

"I'm not doing this if you're acting like _this_," he claimed. "I'll let you try to write, with that poor, sorry excuse for a hand."

At his words, said gauze-covered hand gave a violent twitch.

"In _fact_," he continued, standing up now, "I think I'll be leav – "

"Harry Potter!" I howled, kicking my bandaged legs up. "It's Harry Potter!"

"Oh, so she _does_ speak English," he quipped, unenthusiastically sitting down again. As much as he didn't admit it, I knew he hated school more than this.

I let my head drop down to the pillow, giving in.

"Favorite movie?"

"Twilight."

He stared. "No."

"Yes," I replied sullenly. I reconsidered on this situation. Telling him about the secrets of my life was too dangerous.

"_That_ movie?" he said, in a somewhat horrified tone. "_That_ movie, with all the bad acting, horrible werewolf hair, stupid lines like, "you are my own personal dose of heroine," and the virtual plot-less falling in love?"

"Yes!"

He muttered something incoherent, which sounded a lot like; _she's touched in the head._

"Favorite singer."

"The - jonas - brothers."

This time dropping the pen was on accident.

I laughed aloud at his expression.

"You don't mean that. I'm definitely leaving _right now_, if you mean that. I'm getting the hell away from you, I'm taking the next plane to Tokyo – "

I suddenly got a recollection of the near-distant past. I chortled, saying it aloud.

"Last summer I went over to TenTen's house. I met her grandfather for the first time. And so he asks me, as soon as I walk through the door – "Do you like the Jonas Brothers?" And then I go, "Um…sort of?" – because back then, being socially inept ("not that you're not now," Sasuke supplied helpfully) I didn't know who they were.

The grandfather rolls back his eyes and says, "They're all – "

I gasped in silent laughter for a second. Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"They're all what?" he wanted to know.

"He said – he said – " I collapsed into giggles, "they're all faggots."

And while I was dying from choked back chuckles, he wrote.

"That's more like it," he said almost to himself.

"More like what?" The laughter died on my lips.

"Yourself," he said simply. "Sarcastic. Funny. At least, in the journal. God knows, in real life, you can't be funny to save your life."

Before I knew what I was doing, I threw my (thankfully empty) plastic kiddie cup at him.

He dodged to the side. The cup collided with the elegant hanging plant, and somehow got tangled up in its thick leaves, glinting plastic yellow in the dark green.

"Uh oh," I snickered.

"You idiot," he mouthed, just as the door swept cleanly open.

Naruto.

My eyes opened wide. I hadn't spoken to him much directly after -

My throat collapsed.

"Hey, Hinata!" he cheerfully greeted, a grin evident on his bright features. "Feeling any better?"

He walked over to me. Did he know that I was shaking at his near presence? Taking my gauzed hand, he inspected it, sniffing.

"Gosh, this looks terrible." He dropped it into my lap carefully. "Be more careful next time, Hina-chan! Don't slip down into ravines anymore!"

The silence was absolute. My mind couldn't seem to fabricate anything to fill it up. Compulsively my eyes searched for Sasuke's.

His gaze was stony.

"NARRRRRUTOO!" shrieked a maniacal pitch, and the door broke open. Glass shivered on the windowpanes.

Sakura stood in the doorway, an imposing silhouette with her wild pink hair and slightly showing figure. "You IDIOT! I _told_ you not to bother Hinata, I _told_ you to quit your antics, but nooo-oo! You _had_ to enter when you KNEW she was recuperating, when you KNEW when you KNEW when you KNEW - !"

"Ooow," Naruto moaned as she yanked him by the hair. He landed in the hallway with an unceremonious thump.

The door was slammed after him. Sakura walked over me, looking slightly - only slightly - windswept.

"Oh, hey, Hina," she said, and a pretty smile bloomed on her lips.

_So this is who I got dumped in place of..._

I swallowed, feeling suddenly vulnerable. "Hi, Sakura."

Her voice dropped intimately. "Remember when, on the bus in the beginning of school, I told you how Naruto's an idiot and a jerk?"

I nodded uncertainly, and checked myself on that. Did I think that way, too?

"He still is!" she declared, throwing her thin hands in the air. They weren't nail-bitten like mine were. "I swear, if he does one more thing to annoy me - "

A loud boom shattered any shreds of hope for Naruto's life expectancy of 86.

Sakura tore out of the room. I heard her shrieks through the thick walls.

I sat back. Sasuke was being _Sasuke _again, sedentarily _laconic_.

_Do I still think like Sakura does, too? Do I think Naruto is an idiotic jerk_?

My hands shook in the filmy, bulky gauze.

_Yes. I do._

And before I had a chance to tell it to shut up, my mind surfaced with another urgent question.

_And do you still like him?_

I trembled. The bed shook.

_Yes. Yes, I do._

**

* * *

**

Sasuke left in half an hour, taking my journal with him. (It's no use to you anyway," he said loftily. "You couldn't write a nickel's worth.) He left conveniently two seconds before Hiashi entered the room.

He sat on the sternest edge of the wood chair, large hands clasped.

I was on the verge of talking about the weather when he posed a inquiry.

"Are you a virgin?"

I sprung from the bed with an almost unholy passion. "W-_WHAT?!"_

He stood up with me, mouth suddenly gone slack. His eyes grew wide.

"No! Hinata, my eldest daughter - I know I have not been the most caring father during your lifetime, but that can change! It can change!" He was almost weeping. "Tell me, if you c-continue getting on drugs and having unprotected sex, it could result in years and years of rehabili - "

"F-father!"

" - tation!" He twitched corrosively. "This is true, is it not?"

"W-_WHA - "_

_"You're not a virgin anymore!"_ His eyes teared up. "Please tell me that you are going to have a proper marriage and wedlock, and will not abort the child! Oh, the poor child!"

I was shaking with disbelief. _Someone come in, some pro-life guy, and tell him abortion's not allowed?_

" - Oh, the grief," he managed, "that the child will go through - a teenage mother! Oh, the shame! But it is okay, Hinata. I will be supportive of your decision. I will hereby swear that every day faithfully I shall feed and burp the child accordingly to the Spellman's Guide to Infants, and - "

"FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHER!"

He gaped at me.

"You," I said with difficulty, "are delusional."

I looked up at the ceiling for a full thirty seconds before closing my eyes and returning to Earth.

"Why," I asked calmly, "Why, do you have to make it so, so very hard to have a conversation with you?"

He blinked and said something intelligible. Now I knew where my stuttering had came from.

"I," I announced, "am, indeed, a teenage mom - " As the words slipped I realized I'd said the wrong thing. I'd meant for, "I am, indeed, a virgin."

The damage was done. Hiashi bolted out of his chair and ran for the nurse, screaming at the top of his forty-nine years old lungs.

It turned out later he was shrieking "Why didn't she use a condom? Why didn't she use birth control pills?!"

Wow, the health teacher would be impressed with his expansive knowledge. And I had no idea how he knew these words.

Some things, you just don't want to wonder about.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_two days later-_

_school; 10:04 AM - _

"Four hours."

I lifted up my lab goggles with some trouble - there was still gauze on my arm - and glared at Sasuke.

"For four hours he ranted." I let the words sink into his prodigious mind. "Four hours he lectured on the evils of miscarriage and sexually transmitted diseases. Not the grossest of which was gonorrhea, which is apparently bacteria that grows in _warm_ places."

He backed away slightly, but I saw the smirk. Oh boy, did I see the smirk. It spread.

"That's nice," he attempted.

"It's all _your_ fault," I complained, pounding the lab sheet with my bandaged hand. "If you hadn't exited the hospital room at practically exact time Hiashi entered, he wouldn't have thought of - of whatever goes on in his mind!" I threw up my hands. "It was _your_ fault, because normally,

a. I am a very shy girl,

b. _because_ I am a very shy girl boys do not greet me, and,

c_. _because Hiashi saw you getting out of the room, he

d. ultimately assumed you were

e. an assassin,

f. a vampire (Sasuke chuckled darkly) or,

g. a boyfriend involved in - and Hiashi's mind jumps to conclusions - an illicit love affair."

I let the words sink in again. "Illicit love affair, my a - "

"Don't curse," he said absently.

"My _aardvark_," I finished anti-climatically. "And you should know, Uchiha, that things like these don't easily get _out_ of my father's mind. Not even when I told him, for those damn four hours, that I was _not pregnant_ and _still a virgin."_

I glowered at him, but his gaze was not on mine. His was on the hordes and masses of students staring very goggly-eyed.

At me.

I swallowed very slowly. The swallow got stuck somewhere between my esophagus and my stomach.

The shy, quiet girl they all knew me as?

...Had a lot of explaining to do.

* * *

**Before leaving - drop a review. Tell me what you thought...:D**


	8. He's the Nazi

**_Your Favorite To The Extreme Quote:_** That! That! - Dude looks like a lady!! (-_Aerosmith)_

* * *

Sasuke's breath was warm in my ear. We were jammed so tightly – the regular sardines in a can – that our shoulders overlapped. There _was_ no leg space.

I didn't twitch. Our lives practically depended on being silent. One word, one noise and I knew we'd suffer the dire consequences. His chin dug deep into my shoulder blade. I sent him a look, forgetting we were in almost-complete darkness.

Think that it's crowded in a backseat with three people?

Try cramming yourself in a minuscule closet with another person.

Then the worst thing happened.

I started to sweat.

* * *

**_Most Uncomfortable Moment:_** Don't remind me. Just don't.

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

**He's the Nazi**

The wound on my hand was fully healed a week into school. My right index finger always convulsed, though, when there would be a drop in the temperature. I felt more like an old lady each passing day as December progressed.

I told this to Sasuke at the lunch table one cold day, who smirked affably. Naruto, sitting beside him, heard nothing over the voice of his ramen.

(Oh, yes. Ramen does indeed talk. It has a life, also, according to Naruto. The measure of its lifetime depends on its singular length. Also according to him, ramen reproduce by mitosis.)

He usually didn't sit here. Normally he sat next to Chouji or Sakura one table away. However, there was a history test today. And naturally, as Naruto was one to procrastinate, he was making Sasuke help him cram.

Who was getting increasingly fed up.

"Are you finished yet?" he snapped. His temper was never long-suffering these days.

"Yea…(sounds of slurping)…almost done."

The slurps became gradually louder. I figured Naruto wasn't one for etiquette. (But etiquette didn't matter for an honest to good person.)

"Are you done?"

"Nooo…" He was obviously doing it on purpose now, taking each drawn-out mouthful.

"Are you done now?"

"(slurp)"

"Well, hurry up." Sasuke glared away pointedly, as if Naruto was too ugly to be seen.

"(sluuurrrrrp)"

If looks could kill –

"(slurp.)"

"Do that again and I'll – " His eyes flashed dangerously. "I'll – "

"(Sluuuuuuuuuuurp. –uurp.)"

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Two minutes later, Naruto was behaving nicely, history textbook out and taking notes. Sasuke was still twitching with irritation, but now teaching.

The ramen was stuck in Naruto's hair. And clothes. And shoes. And eyelashes.

The ramen bowl was on the floor, broken into a million pieces.

Anyway.

"Uhm, so this goes like that and…whoop-deee-doo! - But history is so STUPID! It's so boring and you learn nothing! Argh! That's stupid!"

The history book was slammed shut with gusto.

"Naruto…" A warning.

"I don't want to learn this anymore," Naruto whined. "I want to go home and eat ramen!"

Sasuke opened the book again.

"This chapter. Read. Now," he growled, stabbing the page.

"(sigh.)"

"Now."

"(siiiiiigh.)"

"You really don't want to go through that again, do you?"

Naruto shut up.

Sasuke made an effort to control his voice. "So. Chapter 16 review. The Iberian Peninsula – "

Naruto tapped his head to one side. "The lunch-man is a Nazi, that's what."

"_What?"_

"Seriously!" Naruto's eyes opened up all chibi-like and shiny. "I swear, he's like, a Nazi!"

"Naruto," I cut in, feeling that this conversation was getting a little out of hand, "um, do you even know what a Nazi _is_?"

"Of course I do!" he insisted. "Nazis were the women who gave birth to Jesus."

Sasuke bit his lip down hard to control his laughter. I kicked him.

"Uhm, I don't think so," I said patiently. "They were the Germans who murdered – "

"Oh, I _knew _that," he broke in hastily. "I meant to say that Nazis were the ones who murdered Abraham Lincoln."

Sasuke's shoulders started to shake.

"Naruto, the Nazis didn't murder Abraham Lincoln – "

"Yea – George Washington did!"

He was getting excited all over nothing.

"Nazis killed Jews," Sasuke stipulated.

Naruto blinked. "Jews? Who are they?"

This time my eyes teared up and I was the one who got kicked.

"People who got killed by the Nazis," Sasuke answered pithily. "Anyway, the Iberian Peninsula – "

"No!" broke in Naruto. "Seriously. The lunch-man. See for yourself! He _definitely_ looks like a – what – Nazi."

Sasuke kicked him under the table. "Hurry up, idiot," he snarled.

Naruto hastily complied, diving into his textbook with the eagerness of a shark.

_The next day,_

Naruto received his test back. He'd gotten an a hundred.

How, I have no idea whatsoever.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

_A week later_

"That idiot is back to his lunch table?" noted Sasuke. He glanced balefully over where Naruto was losing to Chouji in an eating contest. "Good."

"..." I said nothing, eyeing my gloppy lunch with a mixture of hate and pity. It was strange, actually. I was sitting with the very person whose nose I'd broke on the first day of school. And we weren't even threatening each other or anything, unlike those first few weeks.

We even managed tidbits of conversation. The comfortable silence kind, when a person can say something out of the blue and the conversation stems from there.

_Not_ the prim and proper kind. I could picture it, though:

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

**British** **Sasuke**: Darling, I am feeling a little _randy_ tonight. RARWW!!

**British Hinata**: Oh, the bollocks!

**British Sasuke**: You arse.

**British Hinata**: You're just a wanker!

**British Sasuke**: Exactly. Right on point. Bang on, spot on, my pet.

**British Hinata**: Where is the lou?

**British Sasuke**: You old geezer.

**British Hinata**: Well, golly, you are a BLOKE. You bloke.

**--**

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Come to think of it, that's a bit extreme, wouldn't you say? Especially considering the fact that his initials are BS. :D

--

"I've been reflecting," Sasuke broke into my disturbing one-on-one eulogy.

"Hnp? A-about what? You bloke."

His eyes skipped over mine strangely. _I'll just ignore that_, the two dark eyes judged.

I smiled widely, awkwardly. "Go on."

"The lunch man might actually be a Nazi." He said in a bad accent, "_BjÖrn Lutgard Anois Mitzi_."

"Huh?"

"That's his name on the name tag. And plus he might have a Nazi tattoo."

My eyes squinted. "And how would you know this, Sasuke?"

He shifted. "I've been...ah, doing a little research."

**----"A - HA!~!~!~!~!~"** **_suh-quealed_ the millions of girls in the lunchroom.----**

Actually, only Sakura and Ino. But together, they were a cacophony.

Sakura bounded over with her lime green uggs and placed her two fists on the table. Ino followed suit, except her pinky accidentally overlapped Sakura's, and they ended up catfighting.

Sakura was the first to emerge, gasping for breath.

"I KNEW IT!" she howled. Tears were threatening to implode.

"I...You knew what?" The laconic Sasuke spoke with confusion.

"You - you _ARE_ gay!" She burst into huge tears and fled away.

The silence between the lunchroom stretched like mosquito netting.

"Uhm..." said Sasuke to the millions of awaiting little girls and little boys. "What can I say? I am."

Everyone died. Like, seriously. People's head rolled. Literally. I figured suicide, but whatever.

Sasuke calmly took a sip of tea. (where did he get that?)

"That'll take care of them. Anyway," he continued, "The lunch man..."

He couldn't go on.

I think I was either laughing to death or crying of laughter to death.

"I always figured," I snickered.

He paled. "Don't say that. You knew it was just to get those zealots off of my back."

"Then _how_ did you know...?"

"He told me himself."

Boooooooing. Silence again, except it only included our table.

When I unstuck my tongue, I queried, "He _told_ you he was A NAZI?!!?!"

"No!"

"Then _what_?!"

"He told me he was very proud of his _tattoo_."

"Oh." I sat back, my head touching the vinyl seat. "Well, then," I said in my jolly old Santa Nicholas way, "that's not too bad, then."

He gripped his soda, swishing it around. "The truth is, though, I'm curious. But you know…"

"What? Curiosity killed the cat?"

"There is that." He hesitated. "But…sometimes, you just have to know something. You know that feeling."

"What I have to know is; what is it that you're getting at?"

He set the can down. "Well, I know while Naruto is seldom correct…very capricious, actually… but this time he might be veridical."

"Been practicing your SAT words again," I said.

He uncharacteristically turned his head away. If this wasn't Sasuke, I would have deemed him embarrassed.

"What I'm saying is, I think he's correct. The lunch man is..."

"A… - _Nazi_?" I supplied incredulously.

Sasuke nodded.

"S-so...you think he has a tattoo? - of a...N-nazi symbol? _How_ are you going to prove this?"

"I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "But I'm going to find out."

In a flash he'd stood up and dumped his trash into the recycling bin, not bothering to sort through what was recyclable.

I saw TenTen across the room giving him a nasty look; she was a recycler through and through.

But she had changed so much in the last month I was surprised she still kept this whim. I realized then that she did not look happy these days, even alongside Kiba.

Sasuke returned shortly.

"Here's the deal," he murmured. "Once everyone is gone, I'm going to the men's bathroom. That door is very close to the kitchen's back exit. I know it's usually locked, but with a paperclip, it shouldn't be difficult. I've already tried it on another lock. When I'm gone, you're going to stand in a corner of the cafeteria, out of sight by other people, but in such a way you can still see the inside of the kitchen. The right corner, next to the trashcan, should be an ideal place. I want you to keep lookout. Very simple. Only if you see someone coming in my direction, give a shout. Do you understand?"

"Yes, but – "

"Okay. Good. The rest is straightforward. No, don't start talking. I'm going to maybe hide in a corner of the kitchen – or the small closet where the aprons are kept – and when he walks by, I'm going to check if he really is a Nazi. His tattoo. A Nazi tattoo is like an X with hooks on the end. It won't be hard to see. After that, I'll return the way I came from. If I get caught, I'll say I'm lost. If that happens, you are to report to your next period. Don't come near this place. Stay with your schedule. You won't be safe otherwise. Do you understand that?"

His eyes were shining darkly with excitement.

"But I _don't_ understand," I protested unhappily. "Why would you stay in a closet? Why don't you just ask him, or something? It would be much more painless, and you wouldn't get into a mess. Why trouble yourself with _this_ procedure?"

"Hinata," said Sasuke. "Dear Hinata, kind Hinata, clever Hinata, will you for the love of Heaven do what you're told without any questions?"

"No," I said flatly. "I won't. I don't get it. Why – "

But he was already gone.

In a few minutes the bell would ring.

I hesitated. This wouldn't do. I couldn't let him do this. (But of course, it was too late.)

I cursed my luck. Why hadn't I intervened earlier? Now there was something I'd learned about him – once he got an idea stuck in his head, there was absolutely no turning back. A wall would be more flexible.

As the students filed out, the regular horde of wildebeests, I decided. I wouldn't keep lookout. No, there just had to be a way to unconvince him of this – this _idiocy_. He was human. He could be dragged out of this.

I walked to the door of women's bathroom, next to the men's, keeping myself well in shadow.

Without warning, Sasuke slipped out a few moments later, his eyes intent on the cafeteria.

I shrank, my heart picking up its pace.

I never noticed how _effortlessly_ he seemed to glide, as silent as a snake. In no time he had picked the lock, and had entered the kitchen's back door.

My heart now hammering, I crept around the corner, following him. I was understandably nervous – I had no idea if this was illegal, but it most certainly wouldn't be well received by Tsunade if we were caught.

Her wrath was famous – _notorious_, more like – around school. And if the rumors were true – that she was a reputed alcoholic – well, her supposed tantrum would be even worse. Suspension could be the least of it.

But if this attempt could make him turn back, it was well worthwhile.

The kitchen was surprisingly long, about the length of a small classroom. All the workers were up in front, cleaning the counters.

Sasuke was moving quickly, almost a sprint, cutting across the tiled floor. It was not until he reached the closet door did he finally stop short and turn around sharply.

"Oh, god!" he snarled. "_No!"_

"Sasuke, you can't – "

I stopped, heeding the footsteps of a worker. Sasuke took notice, too; he savagely pulled me down and, veering into the closet, closed the luckily well-oiled door.

The footsteps came alarmingly close; the floors gave a slight squeak.

And in the tiny, microscopic closet, I started to pray.

* * *

**Updates will come faster. I _promise._ If it's not out by ten days, you can flame me until I burn into a crisp.**

**But until then, reviews equals earlier update! :D**

**A/N: Next chapter is slight Sasuke's point of view.**


	9. Castigation

Thanks for keeping up. I'm having such a hard time writing...(AGHHH). Encouragement and questions would really help. This chapter covers a lot of ground and speeds up the entire plot, so you'll have to keep up. It's not in Sasuke's POV; I've decided not to. Also, I've included a FAQ at the end to clear up a few questions.

Again, thanks! Love you all.

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

**Castigation**

I settled my head against the low pastry shelf, my heart beating erratically. The heat drew lazy circles, whether from the extreme proximity or the lack of air conditioning, I did not know.

_Close, close, he's much too close_, Inner Hinata yelped. _Never mind a boy, you've never even sat this close to your sister._

His voice came as a susurration that ghosted over my flesh. The darkness seemed to have the ability to magnify a sound tenfold.

"How do you like this?"

"L-like what?" The voice I heard resembled my own, though it was half-hysterical.

He inhaled sharply. "This." I felt his gesturing; his wide fingers brushed my arm, invoking shivers.

"Wh-what?"

"You know. Being here. Compressed. You must be wishing you had never come after me."

"I...yes, I suppose I do."

"Really." His voice grew a hard edge; however, his next words were light. "You must think I'm stupid."

"No...not ...well, maybe a little," I confessed, clinging to the wall. "Not...really."

"The truth is - " His voice stopped abruptly. The footsteps reverberated alarmingly, shaking the kitchen tiles underneath our feet -

But then the patters receded into the distance, and I slumped down.

Sasuke's voice permeated the air again, this time softer. "In the journal, you wrote that you loved Naruto because of his - honesty and good heart."

"I..."

"...didn't you."

"Yes, I did."

"What a pity," he condescended, almost to himself. I stared into the darkness, knowing that a pair of black eyes were there. He was wearing a mask, I knew. His voice had become a false velvet.

"Tell me something," floated in his voice, sounding distant. "Tell me, do you love him?"

"I - I don't know."

His voice faltered. "You're going to trust him?"

"I don't - "

"You know that he'll never ditch Sakura, right? That he'll probably chase after her forever?" Suddenly his words were bitter, filled with unexpected malice.

My breath notched higher. "I know...that."

"And that - your father will _never_ let you go serious with him...simply because he _is_ a known troublemaker?"

"I...know."

"I half-wonder how you got yourself in such a mess."

I did not reply, but breathed heavily. The little oval of light underneath the door enveloped our feet.

"And you should know," the shadows moved as he tilted his head, "that as long as you remain who you are, he will never acknowledge you for more than a friend."

"He...he might."

His shoulder clipped mine as he leaned in. I saw his mouth under a flash of light. It was thin and hard, and faintly disapproving. "Lost case, then, isn't it?" he breathed, watching me closely. I couldn't know what he saw in the darkness, but he did not see strength.

Almost arrogantly, a corner of his mouth started upwards. He was amused.

"Then what's keeping you, darling? Why don't you accept and move on?"

I shook almost violently, then ducked my head down in a swift angry motion. "I won't. I - I won't. Because he's still there. I'll wait for him."

I saw a glimmer of his eyes in the semi-darkness. "And if he betrays you again?"

"I don't care - "

" - hurt you again? Can you really pick the pieces back up?"

" - I don't care!"

His tone was blatant. "Well, I'll wait until he dumps you again."

I threw my hand across my eyes, smearing the tears. The fingertips shook at his beliefs. He had voiced his opinion so honestly. He had eyes that watched every movement - if he said it was so, it was so. I trembled, placing my hand across the floor.

His hand flattened mine in a fluid motion.

"Don't do something you might regret," he insisted quietly. "You're just risking yourself. I read what you wrote. I saw what happened afterwards. Do you really want that to happen again?"

And I heard my flat, muted voice say, "Yes."

He stiffened, pulling away. There was a coldness in his words, a cold, icy deliberance. "I never pegged you for a fool."

"And I never...thought you would say such words. You - you don't understand. My journal was just a fraction of me. You don't understand - "

"And why shouldn't I?" he whispered fiercely.

"I...I don't know."

"Do you think I don't know you well? I know you from the inside out, and you know it."

"I...don't...know," I repeated witlessly.

He threw a hand to the dooknob. I jerked unconsciously, "What - !"

"I don't want to stay in here any longer," he said. "I can't stand you throwing yourself at his feet. It's such a stupid, profitless thing to do."

The beam of light widened as he pulled. The door, unhinging, gave a loud, unearthly rattle.

"Sasuke - "

He threw his head back. "The reason I was so interested, if you want to know, about this entire worthless incident, is because I wanted to prove Naruto _wrong._" His mouth grew thin like before. "I wanted to prove the guy wasn't a Nazi. 'Cause if you saw with your own eyes Naruto's mistake, then maybe you'd realize...what a trivial waste it is, lusting after him."

I stared at his hair, tumbling crazily about his ears.

"That's what you're doing, isn't it, though? You're wasting away. You're still fixed on the past.

Well, I'm sorry, _darling_, but this is the present. You've got to put him aside."

The door suddenly slammed shut, and I was once again in darkness.

**X**xxxx**X**xxxxx**X**

Eighth period came and passed. I sat, numb-faced and uncomprehending, on the benches outside the school building. The buses were gone. Toward the edge of the parking lot, the last of the seniors were exchanging good-byes and copied homework.

The buses were gone. I'd missed them.

And I sat here, not cursing my own stupidity or fearing my father's anger, but slowly replaying the events in my mind.

I searched for signs of deception. I had _wanted_ - I had needed - an assurance. Sasuke had given me exactly that.

But it was not what I had desired.

It wasn't the _right_ kind. He had come and he had harangued me about Naruto; the only thing I was positive about. But surely - he was wrong. Sasuke was wrong. He couldn't be right. I did not want him to be right.

My fists slowly curled up, drawing ten half-moons scattered across my palms. _Little Miss Apprehensive_, I chided myself, almost wearily. I didn't know what to think anymore, what to tell myself. I had known it would come to this; questioning about my faithfulness to Naruto.

The foundation for loving him was not invincible. It drew thousands of flaws, the biggest of which was _his_ real affection for me - friend or more? Though he was easily the most gregarious student in the school, I did not know how he truly felt.

A tear disappeared under a fold in my shirt.

Maybe that's what it was; a lack of communication.

I was never close to him. I lingered behind him, watching him blurt out life secrets to other people, but never confiding in me.

That's what it was, I was sure of it now.

Because I had never known him, I had brewed false fantasies - I'd imagined him chivalrous, honest, and the epitome of True Love.

And maybe I was wrong.

A hard, thin smile graced my lips, not unlike the likes of Sasuke's.

_"_Maybe I was wrong about Naruto after all."

"Tell me something I _don't_ know," said a slow voice behind me.

It was Sasuke.

I tensed automatically. Speak of the devil, I thought. "What do you want?"

"What do all guys want?" he countered, then smiled, easily, good-naturedly. "I'm joking."

"Stop," I managed. "Don't speak to me. I can't - "

" - stand it?" He leaned against the white stucco, dropped his bookbag. "Why don't you take an aspirin? This is tough stuff, isn't it? In fact, it makes you want to - "

"Please. Just stop."

"It makes you want to cry, doesn't it? Fall down on your knees?"

"Stop."

"_When_ are you going to stop running away?"

The silence stretched between us. Twenty-four hours ago it had been 'okay'. Everything had been 'okay'. Now I was faced with something convoluted, incredibly twisted, it hurt to think about it.

"I'm not running away," I uttered wearily.

He kicked a stray rock, bending down, squinted at me. "Says you."

I turned my head away instinctively; I had been crying. "Says me," I mumbled, "but I'm right." Inwardly I prayed that he would not broach the topic of Naruto again; I prayed he'd let it be a petty conversation of wits.

He laughed suddenly; a sharp, ringing sound. "Can you at least answer this question instead of skirting around the issue? Tell me, how long is this going to continue? You going after him. How long?"

I hung my head down. I'd held the desire for Naruto's love inside for so long. A millennia, it felt like. I'd hid it.

"When are you going to wake up and open your eyes? Why have you been reduced to this?"

"No…no," I whispered.

"Answer me, you're – "

An abrupt noise forced his statement in half. An orange figure threw itself around the bend, nearly falling onto the asphalt. "Hi!" it said.

Naruto stood huffing, hands splayed at sides. A lock of golden hair flew wildly at his brow.

"Huff – Hi, guys – huff – didn't – know you were still here."

I tensed; he didn't notice, continuing to ramble.

"I just – finished detention with that cow of a principal, Tsunade. I – huff – am gonna walk home – I guess I – huff – missed the buses, huh?"

The silence strayed to the point of being awkward.

"ARGH!" he voiced in frustration, balling his fists. "I thought – huff – I could make it. But, _nooo_ – "

"NARUTO!"

The perpetual person who always seemed to chase him around for something bad he did came up and threw a fist at his shoulder. "I don't think you have the _homework_ that you _stole_ from my _locker_, did you?"

Naruto blinked at Sakura. "Um, no?" he tried.

"Nice try, you sucker! Youuuuu – suuuuuu – ckkeeeeeeeer - !" She landed a flurry of punches that he had difficulty in dodging.

I looked on in dismay. The two arrivals had been a nice excursion from the real trouble I had been facing, but now that they were focused on something else, I couldn't avoid the question much longer.

The interrogator came up next to me, black eyes aglow.

"A walk with _him_," he jerked a thumb, "or a ride with me?"

Relief poured from my mind. I did not have to answer _that_ question. This question – "The answer is obvious," I said in a dazed voice.

"Glad to hear it. I'll get – "

"Naruto," I said, "Naruto. I'll go with him."

Sasuke stood there for a long moment, hands crammed deep into pockets. He suddenly looked rather forlorn and not a little incensed. But then the look passed – I wondered if I had glimpsed it after all – and he snorted. "Gosh, how very un-biased you are."

I tightened the stray on my handbag, smarting at his words. "It's better than some people, who draw out other people's weakness like bees to honey." My vocal chords took a mind of their own, saying exactly what I thought. "And hurting others, no matter what their feelings – "

"Is that what you really think of me?" he demanded.

I hesitated. "I – yes."

His lips were clamped together tightly, his eyes searching. And then the look disappeared; his poker face surfaced once more.

"Very well," Sasuke said. "I'll see you Monday."

* * *

**wanted to write a little more - god knows I need to compensate for the complete lack of writing thereof - but Muse-A has left me. -cries-**

On a different note, I love all of you. :D You are all wonderful. The reviews really contribute to my brainchild. Writing has suddenly become harder than usual, but I'm trying.

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**Bulletined:**

**Q: Will Sasuke ever have his own POV?**  
_  
A: -Nope._

**Q: How many chapters will The Journal have?  
**_  
A: As of right now, I'm thinking around twenty chapters to thirty._

**Q: Will Hinata write more in the journal itself?**  
_  
A: I don't know. In fact, it's become sort of a liability. The story is branching off into less humorous and more angsty waters. However, it will play a significant role towards the end._


	10. Step All Ova Me

I hate myself. I also hate schoolwork, people who don't review (haha :), and above all, procrastination.

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**Chapter Ten**

**Step All Ova Me**

I ran after Naruto - my heart was suddenly that much more lightened. You know what? I used to laugh at Ino back in 6th grade when she was obsessed with that new student, but now I understood her thoughts exactly.

My heart just - it just got so much _lighter_ and _airier_, and...happier...when I was with him.

It wasn't just his looks; his 100-watt smile and those white teeth, his bright golden hair - saving the best assets to last, those cerulean sapphire eyes.

But it wasn't just that.

He had _charism_a_ - _the way the lion did, prowling around and having prey insufferable to him. He had this sort of _air_, the air of being purely Naruto, and that was what I loved. He never brooded about things and he never second-guessed things. I suppose, because of his unlikeness to me, I...was attracted to him.

The bag nearly ripped at my shoulder when I hurtled myself to the spot next to Naruto. Sakura, I say with grim satisfaction, was gone. No doubt she was trying to mooch a ride with Sasuke.

Naruto smiled at me - me! He actually smiled downwards, because I was met with his mouth; five-ish inches shorter than he was. It was a position perfect for dancing, I mused, because he could just bend down a little and we could -

The happy thoughts whirled inside of me. All reflections and doubts that Sasuke had created were erased effortlessly.

Gone was the inhibitions that Naruto never noticed me. No, that was _false_. I had direct evidence; Naruto was standing RIGHT HERE, wasn't he? He was; he was a corporeal human - I could touch him. He didn't ignore me. He completely fit with me.

"Uh, Hinata?" He cast me a strange look. "What are you doing?"

I looked down hastily. In trying to prove to my Inner Voice Full of Doubt, I had squeezed his arm, checking if he were, indeed, real.

I flashed a cheery smile that wasn't the least bit faked. "Sorry," I said, almost chirped, then my head swam giddily.

_Oy, Hinata. Get a grip of yourself, please. Don't embarrass yourself like this._

But I ignored the voice. I had been in hiding for so long - among the shadows, among the quiet people - I was just so _relieved_ to break out into the open.

Or maybe, you know, it could have just been the endorphins.

And then a voice in my head started chanting randomly, _Necrophobia,_ which is the fear of death or something.

Oh, _why_ does my Inner Voice of Doubt always surface when I have a perfectly happy, sane moment? It's like it's trying to counter my happiness or something. I fear I'm going bipolar.

It continued to chant _Necrophobia._

"Uh, Hinata? Are you sure you're okay?"

I guess I had been staring straight ahead with sort of a glazed appearance.

_Fear of insanity: Agateophobia._

"Uh, yes. I'm okay."

_Fear of pain:_ _Agliophobia_.

"Okay, then." He continued to stride along, with every one of his strides matching every two of mine. It was awkward, one might say, but it was adorable. I had to physically stop myself from admiring his cross-country gait.

We walked passed the intersection of the school, and he leisurely crossed the road. Because of my perpetual cautiousness, I hung back, checking carefully both ways.

_(Agyrophobia_, the Inner Voice of Doubt whispered. Fear of crossing the street.)

He didn't really wait for me, but I caught up to him doggedly. Maybe something was on his mind. He seemed a little...detached.

"Hey," I managed breathlessly.

He looked down. If I didn't know Naruto, I'd have said his expression was startled. As if he hadn't known I was there. (But that's just foolish).

"Oh, hi," he said cheerfully. It seemed...forced, almost. Fake.

"So, are you, um, going to join the Dance Committee? They made a big deal out of it on morning announcements." Honestly, Hinata. You get the chance of your freaking lifetime, and you choose to talk about something so inane and profitless.

"Uh, I don't think so," he responded, scratching at his (gorgeous) hair.

_Fear of choking. Anginophobia._

"W-why not? Uh, my friend - said it was really fun!" (A complete lie. I had practically no friends these days, and the friend that I had was too busy trying to inform me of reality. (Well, too bad, Sasuke, because THIS is reality and I'm walking home with the man of my dreams, and you were wrong. So there.))

_Antlophobia- Fear of floods._

"Huh." He continued to walk. I was getting a little tired, but I was determined not to show it. "Maybe I'll join," he said rather absently.

Now I was really worried. This wasn't _Naruto_ at _all_. It wasn't the Naruto I knew. The one I knew - or the one I idolized in my head - was cheerful and brought the sunshine in my life. He always smiled affably and laughed and acted clownish and was nice to everyone, even little-shy Hinata.

There _must_ be something on his mind.

"So, yeah. Have any, um, plans for this weekend? Anything fun?"

_Apotemnophobia- Fear of people with amputations_, whispered the voice in my head. Why, voice, why? (SHUT UP!)

"Uh...maybe. I was hoping to go to the movies with someone," he answered.

My heart

_Cardiophobia- Fear of the heart_

bba-bbumped.

"Wh-wh-who?" I managed. Oh, please, voice, just this once. Don't betray me. Don't let me appear too wishing it, or he won't take it. Please just let me be subtle.

_Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns._

Too late to be subtle, I thought, as Naruto's face (finally) turned to look at mine.

"Why?" he asked. "Did you want to go?"

Oh, _God_. Did he just ask? - Did he mean it as a joke, or as sympathy, or just a random question?

I couldn't look at his expression, though, because I was blushing madly and becoming suddenly obsessed with my dirty gray sneakers.

"I - I - I - I - " (Oh God, just let me stutter on, why won't you?)

(Just let me this once, have enough confidence to ask him. Just this once. Don't let it turn out like last time, when he probably thought I was too quiet. Speak up, Hinata! Grab the wheel. Drive, Hinata, drive! O why can't i just - )

"N-no," I stammered. "No! Of course not. I was just - just wondering."

The flower child had gone to seed. I wallowed in my misery, on the brink of bursting in tears. I had ruined it. I hadn't _carpe-diemed_, hadn't seized the day. Miserably, I hugged my arms closer to my body.

_(Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.)_

"Oh, okay, then," said his voice, completely natural. Did he not just realize what I had gone through? But then again, I thought wistfully, this is Naruto. He might be my soulmate, but he is a little slow on the uptake. Just on this one, at least.

_Agraphobia- Fear of sexual abuse._

Oh, why had the Inner Voice of Doubt just spurted that out loud? I didn't need to know that -

"What are _you_ doing, then?"

"M-me?" Oh God, did he just ask _me_? Stay calm. Stay calm, and stay normal. Don't burst into tears, don't get all flustered.

"O-uh, um, I'm going to the library (would he think I'm a nerd?). I mean, I'm going to go to the mall (with no one else?). With a - a friend. Yeah."

"Huh. Sounds like fun," answered Naruto noncommittally.

"Oh, and - I'm going to ask about the Dance Committee...I'm interested in, um, decorating the gym and things like that." There. That should be okay. Just so he wouldn't think I was a cliche girl who went to the mall all the time.

Oh my, I was really having a _conversation_ with the man of my dreams. And, okay, it was more than five years overdue, and school was almost over, but still.

I was so _glad _about getting to know Naruto better.

"Oh, so you're going to join?"

"Y-yeah. I'm definitely joining. Oh, uh, you should, too." I laughed nervously. What had the Teen Magazine said about repeating things? I'd already asked him this! Sweat was pouring from my forehead and I knew, my shirt would look wet and dark with sweat splotches.

Very attractive, I mentally groaned.

"Huh...maybe I will." He was sounding bored, even more than before. It was like he was on robot-control mode, auto-airplane mode.

I fought the waves of panic. I had done so many steps wrong. This was the _man of my dreams_. I was messing this all up.

What had the magazine said? Say something to surprise him when the conversation begins to grow mundane.

Okay. Okay. I got this.

"Oh-uh-uh, Naruto, would you like to g-g-go to th-the..."

This was the complete opposite of before, when _he'd_ asked me. Somehow asking _him _seemed...right. Maybe he had dumped me because I wasn't assertive enough. Yes. That was definitely it. Well, here I go. Be assertive, I coached myself. Be assertive, Hinata!

"...Would-you-like-to-go-to-the-dance-with-me?" I squeaked. I hung my head, as if he'd hit me or something. Oh, Hinata, sighed the coaching voice in my voice.

There was a silence. I imagined him in the worst scenario. He'd shake his head a little mournfully, because, oh I don't know, maybe he had another date or he had other plans. My heart plummeted at the thought. At least he'd be sad about it. That was Naruto.

But at this worst-case scenario, I also thought about the best-case scenario. How he'd sweep me off of my feet, and (possibly!) kiss me. Not that I'd had any experience, haha. I'd never been kissed in my life before, and I knew that Naruto would be my first.

The silence stretched even farther. I hadn't expected it to go this long. Maybe he was being uncertain, vacillating between turning me down nicely or accepting with a bright smile.

Maybe he hadn't even caught my words. I knew that I tended to speak a lot softer than usual around him.

I chanced a hesitating glance upwards.

He was...

He was _sneering._

My heartbeat raced onwards, pumped with adrenaline and nor-adrenaline and cortisol. Oh, Gods, pretend I never asked, okay? He's sneering because he thinks I was _joking_.

Maybe he's not even sneering. I'd never seen a sneer one Naruto's face before. Maybe it's...it was a yes-holy-cow-I-want-to-go-with-you-to-the-dance-Hinata expression.

"You're kidding. Right?"

Relief surged through me. He wasn't _turning me down_. Yes, he thought I had been kidding. No, it wasn't over yet. I just needed to talk louder.

"No," I said lightly, hopefully. "Naruto, I want to go with you to the dance."

His sneer turned to a look of outright malice.

Shock exploded inside of me. I hadn't thought that that expression could be rendered on his cherubic, smiling face.

The world tipped. I barely hung on.

"Well, the answer is: hell no."

I wanted to vomit from sheer astonishment. This was a side of Naruto I hadn't known, never had known. _What the fuck just happened_? my brain screamed silently while the lacrymal ducts started to stream. My god.

"Do you think I want to go with a girl who hangs around in the library all day?"

So he had been listening to me. Funny, at his absent, monotonic answers, I hadn't known.

"A girl who's completely silent? I mean, Hinata - "

So he said my name, I noted dully. It's been exactly two months, three weeks, and five days, noted the working part of my brain.

" - seriously, but how many times do I have to dump you?"

He's not the innocent young boy that I've known, I thought hazily. Why, he's grown up. To be...this person.

"Honestly. Can't you spell? I... D-O...N-O-T...L-I-K-E...Y-O-U. And I'd taken you to be one of the smarter students, too."

The tears imploded. I pressed my hand to my mouth. What had gone wrong? My heart was breaking all over again. The careful stitches I'd made over the last several months were unraveling again. _Oh god, what's happening to me? _

_I can't breathe._

"If you'd taken one clue..."

I felt the feelings from that last dance come forth again, as if from a broken dam. How'd I ever managed to convince myself that it would be "o.k." to love him again, that he'd love me back? How the _hell_ did I think that I could get him?

"...into that thick head of yours..."

And above all, how the _fuck _would stupid-idiot-stuttering Hinata get popular-class-clown Naruto?

"...you'd know that all these times, I've been trying to get you to be a _friend._"

I managed to stagger to my feet.

_Sasuke had been right._

I managed to hug my book bag to myself, managed to walk a few steps, totter, managed - barely - to not fall. Behind me, Naruto was still asking rhetorical questions. Each word cut me deeper than the last.

Something huge and angry and scaly erupted inside of me that moment. Perhaps it was the feeling of knowing that, Honey, your Prince Charming hadn't exist. Maybe it was the feeling that, Cinderella, all the glitz and glamour will turn into mediocre, dusty pumpkins.

"Naruto - you're a - "

_How I hate him for leading me on, how I hate myself for leading myself on, how I hate him for laughing and smiling with me all those times and how I hate him for being alive and existing and breathing and oh, I wish he were dead I wish this never had happened to me why Hinata why do you expose yourself to be broken like this why - _

_" - _piece of - "

_Why did it turn out like this there were supposed to be rainbows and unicorns and strong horses and gallant princes - _

_" - _shit."

I turned around and streaked down the street, away from the school and the Dance Committee and Naruto, Naruto, Naruto -

_Leave him behind, oh please, I can't take it anymore - _

I was in a daze the whole time I ran. A while later, my chest just hurt so hard it could barely gasp out breaths, and my legs were scraped as if I'd been in a car crash. (which was better than what just happened, oh god) -

It was growing dark. I stumbled along, book bag ragged, along the sidewalk. There were no people, and if there were, I would never notice them.

My life was over. It was. I knew it know, better than anyone else -

_My name is Hinata Hyuuga, I'm sixteen years old, and my life is already over._

Oh Gods, what a waste, what a goddamn waste.

The street turned in a bend and I followed it in a sleepwalk. The lights were on now, the night was pitch black. Hiashi would be worried. Somehow that worry just amounted to so _completely_ little in my mind and I ignored it.

A figure on the driveway - I couldn't see clearly because of the tears -

"Hinata!"

I had no strength to brush away the tears. I just couldn't. I was so absolutely, positively weak. It hurt to think.

"Hinata, are you - "

Dimly I recognized the voice. When I saw his feet, those comfortably well-polished shoes, I knew that it was Sasuke.

"You were right," I mumbled thickly. I needed to lie down, I felt faint. "You were a hundred percent right. You should be valedictorian, or a seer, you can really tell the future, Sasuke."

I heard the sarcasm in my weary, acidic voice.

"I wasn't good enough for him," I heard it say. It was so distended, so faraway. "I wasn't good enough for him."

"No, Hinata," Sasuke said strongly. He held my chin up. I was so messed up I could barely see him. "I'm sure that the only reason God made Naruto discard you..."

He bent down.

"...was so I could have you, instead."

He leaned over and kissed my passive lips.

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**A/N: It was a rather rushed chapter with Hinata's cartwheeling, uncertain thoughts. Oh, Hinata. **

**I hadn't meant for Naruto to be so full of...a tendency to hurt feelings, but then again, he can be rather callous sometimes. I don't think he's mature enough to build a real relationship. At least, not yet.**

**This chapter had a major decline in the bits of NaruHina, and a major rise in SasuHina, even if it was just towards the end.**

**Also, I has a LiveJournal, so you may add me there, too.**

**TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT!**

**If not, I'll go crazy with wondering if my writing is horrible or not.**

**I'm also thinking to quit fanfiction. I really don't know if I enjoy it as much as I did. **


	11. Being Soignée

Hey guys, this fic won't be changed on fictionpress. I'm throwing out that vagary, and continuing as is. It's too fun to write, too liberating. Hope you enjoy :)

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**Chapter Eleven**  
**Being Soignée**

soignée - _(adj)_: well-groomed, comely, **attractive**, dressed **to kill**

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(In the previous chapter: (I don't know how else to do this))

_"I'm sure that the only reason God made Naruto discard you..." _

_Sasuke bent down._

_"...was so I could have you, instead."_

_He leaned over and kissed my passive lips._

* * *

He kissed me, and his lips were hard, uncompromising. And I knew that he cared for me, and he was doing this so that I could be comforted, but it was too much. I used my hands to push his shoulders away, but I had hit the wall, and there was no giving in from him. I stepped on his shoe, missed, and finally clomped on it heavily.

He moved his head so that our breaths still mingled but he could look down and see my foot pressuring his.

"Yes?" he whispered, almost lazily. I stared into his eyes and saw myself in there, scared witless, lips red as rubies on a pale and washed away face.

My voice meant to be a shout, but it came out quieter than his. "Stop."

I wanted to say more, to wave flags around declaring freedom (or something), shout across the centuries that when a woman is spurned by the one she loves, it is too much to take in, and other confusing stimuli are not appreciated.

"What?" Sasuke asked, on purpose, I thought. "I didn't hear you. What did you say?" And then he had leaned in again, but it was the weight of his entire body, a head taller than mine, and my legs bent and could not move. I was not thinking about kicking him, anyway. The hands that were on his shoulders were rather drawing him in now. I was gasping for breath, but the frustration came later. We finally stopped, and I could hear my heart breaking. This was not enough to heal me.

"I don't – I don't need this."

'Everyone needs this; it's part of evolution," he said, in one of his rare moments for humor. He angled his head and kissed my neck slowly.

"Sasuke, I'm – " I was a lot of things. I was dirty, tearful. I was not in the mood for this, I – but his mouth had traveled upwards, and his tongue was in my mouth, and it was all I could do to not burst into flames.

But I managed to push him away this time. The moment his lips left mine my body regretted the decision. His body, forty pounds heavier, pressed into mine, was a sensation I would all too readily repeat. But not in this lifetime; I was too scarred.

"Naruto," he said, as if expecting my reaction.

I exhaled. I had the ridiculous notion to fan myself at a time like this; my body felt like it had overheated. "Yes."

I could imagine his mind choosing his words out carefully. Careful for my sake. "You weren't anything to him."

Perhaps not that carefully. I felt an ache in my ribs.

He continued, in that slow, deliberate way, his head tilted slightly to the left, his eyes searching my face. "I think he was playing around. With you. I don't think he ever liked you in that… way." Perhaps the deliberateness was to make Naruto's words more final, to have me get over him. But it did nothing but deepen the pain.

And then, as if he were the judge to make the final verdict after the glossing over: "I like you in that way."

What firmness; what incredible, resolute confidence! I thought, not a little snarkily. Confidence at a time like this – I did not need it. If only, I thought, Naruto had said that. If only Naruto had.

And then the tears had started again, and I knew I needed a bathroom. Some comforting tissues. A toilet, perhaps. I felt nauseous.

"I've got to go," I said, looking only at my hands. The air suddenly seemed a lot colder, but that wasn't the only reason my hands were shaking. I took a deep, deep breath, just so my words were coherent. "Please don't follow me," I whispered. I began walking down the street, blindly knowing where my house was. I felt like an old woman, limping and broken not only on the outside, but the inside as well.

I reached my driveway and went to painfully get the mail. It is the most ludicrous thing, getting the mail after someone has dumped you for the second time in less than a year. It is simply absurd. I had the mail in my still-shaking fingers, and it was only after I had glanced at it to reveal an ad for any singles in this area that I began to giggle. Singles in this area! Well! I guess I was one. Actually, I had been a single all this time; I just fancied that Naruto would like me enough to take me on so I would be a not-single, and therefore I would not need this ad. I continued to giggle. This was preposterous. I was stark, raving mad, standing on the street getting the mail, bent out of shape from laughter. What would the neighbors think?

The statement wouldn't have been so funny if the situation had not been so dire. I still thought of what the neighbors thought, even after my heart had been fully been blown up from hope, exploded with twenty thousand needles, and fed to the God of Heartbreak. Then I wondered if the God of Heartbreak got fat from eating so many broken hearts, and this was so disgusting and unnatural to think about that I began laughing all over again.

I hunkered down, rocking back and forth, alternating between silent, helpless laughter and cowering bouts of crying. After maybe five minutes, although it had felt like years had passed, I ceased crying. I wiped my eyes with another ad (I had ripped the singles ad to bits) and felt like something was wrong.

The last time Naruto had dumped me, Sasuke had comforted me. I had almost expected to feel his hand, warm, clasp my shoulders, for him to hug me to his body, whisper endearments. Maybe not endearments. Words of sympathy. I knew I missed him.

Then I remembered his true self, not the one I imagined would be here. He had, in reality, told me that Naruto had never liked me; his words had had an insulting edge to it. Maybe not his tone, or his intention, but Sasuke had put me down. The reality of his words set in.

_You weren't anything to him._

_I think he was playing around. With you. I don't think he ever liked you in that… way._

I had lost my true love and I had lost a friend I had never had. I had thought Sasuke might comfort me as a friend does when another friend is upset, but he hadn't. He had kissed me and told me that I had never been suited for Naruto.

_He also told you that you were suited for him_.

I trudged my way into the house, pitched the ads onto the kitchen counter, and curled up in a ball on the couch. I cried into a pillow, and when I did not cry, I screamed.

Yeah, well, look at where liking a boy has gotten you, and you'll learn quickly that no boy is ever worth it.

My stomach heaved, and I thought I really was dying. I ran to the toilet and threw up, and felt even worse. I glared balefully into the mirror at the sad distortion of a human being, and I thought of Naruto.

Only Naruto.

XXX

XXX

I sat in that confining house doing nothing for forty-eight hours. When Sunday night came, I was forced to accept that

a. the world would not duly explode,

b. the Russians were not advanced enough yet to make a bomb that could explode all the way to here, Japan,

c. Sasuke had not attempted to reach with me in any way.

It was not so much that I wanted communication with him more than Naruto; I just thought it would be more likely. Sasuke would call, text, or email ( – or go to my house; he knew where it was), explaining that whatever had come between us was a joke, and would you like a shoulder to weep on so I could comfort you? I would seize the chance then, and things would be, at least marginally, all right. If I had a friend who would listen to me.

And then I harbored the hope that Naruto would call, even though that would have been extremely unlikely. He would call, and he'd explain that he had mistaken me for Sakura, and had used my name instead of hers. How? Well, he could have gone blind for ten minutes; then he couldn't have seen me as he talked to me. And as for the mistaking Hinata for Sakura part…

Hell, I couldn't do this. My mind was too quick to jump to hopeful possibilities.

I needed a mind that could think tomorrow: tomorrow being Monday. I needed a mind that could direct a body to function normally, to smile as if the person had not received a crushing blow to her dignity and heart… I needed a body to, yes, beat Sasuke at finals in AP Calc and AP Chem… but most of all, I needed a body to carry me through this ordeal. I knew I wanted to see Tuesday and Wednesday and the days before that. I was crushed from Naruto – from everything, from needing a friend in my time of need, but I knew I was not crushed completely. I wanted nothing more to die, but some part of my spirit wouldn't let me. A voice told me that I had been dumped before, that I'd grown resilient and resistant to self-degradation. If anything, I thought, betraying my shattered heart; this made me stronger.

And if anything else, I reflected, it's shown to me that boys are fickle creatures, luring you in with breadcrumbs only to thwack you on the head and force you to eat poisoned kittens.

Then I conceded with; okay. Maybe not to thwack. And not kittens, either.

XXX

XXX

I wore a green blouse-like top. Green for verve, green for quietude and peace and relaxation. Certainly not angst, or anxiety. The blouse was girly, an I had never worn it to school before. It was sleeveless; it had two thin strips of cloth that I could tighten, but other than that my shoulders and half of back was bared. Only the assured girls dressed like this on a normal day.

Usually, I hardly wore any makeup. I would only daub a little concealer on days with unspeakably red blemishes, and sometimes blush to liven pallid cheeks.

Today I used to my fullest proficiency the makeup that TenTen had left behind all those times she'd used to come to my house. Half a teacup (they looked like teacups! how ridiculous) of lip gloss, a mascara wand (in its container, of course), and thirteen shades of eye shadow on little star-shaped palettes were what I discovered in the vicinity of my closet, where TenTen and I used to dress up. I didn't occupy the place anymore; dressing up had been more of TenTen's thing than mine, and I found it lonely, after having had so many good memories.

But I didn't have room or time to reminisce, to nurse my nostalgia for the good old days (when I thought boys were friendly, sane, and sometimes cute creatures). It was six o'clock, and I had to take the bus at seven.

Usually I'd be in bed, but I let myself coast on five hours of sleep (I'd cried and raged myself to sleep for three nights in a row) and one hour of full-on makeup. Next to TenTen's assortments of used makeup, I had my blush, mostly unused, an eye-lash curler, foundation, and concealer.

Time to make myself up, I cackled inside, feeling a stab of righteous feminism. I'd make myself up; I'd do myself honor. Heads would turn (especially that of Naruto's). I would have no time to indulge other people's whims, however. I would be studying, paying so hard in class that my stare would bore holes in the teachers' heads.

There would be new Hinata, and I would be transformed.

XXX

XXX

I am no great expression-reader, but I do believe that some of the people I walked by in the halls to first period did a double-take. Maybe I'd made-believe those, being, again, as I can't read people well, but I did not imagine Sakura coming up to me just before the bell in class and saying that I looked fantastic.

"Thanks," I said, inwardly adding that there was nothing like somebody dumping you the second time over that you realize you need a much-necessitated change. In appearance, in demeanor, in belief, in world-view; and I had chosen appearance.

The student body knew me as a nondescript and average girl who skulked in corners and ate mice for lunch (not really; but they might as well have).

This girl was beautiful (makeup had its merits, though I knew it would take a helluva lot of time to take off). She was self-assured. The history teacher called on me to recite a passage and I complied. I spoke in an eloquent, carrying voice, and I did not blush once or trail the ends of sentences like I would do. I stayed constant throughout the passage, with no mistakes, and when I was finished I did not duck my head; I looked straight ahead to the teacher, who praised me.

This seemed small, but right then it was monumental for me. The prospect of creating a goal (becoming confident), and finally starting to reach it – this was new for me because the goal was not academically-oriented; it was self-oriented – and made me walk even straighter, smile even brighter. Some people smiled back, and I talked to Shikamaru, Ino, and Sakura. I'd never done this without them first talking to me, but I was different today.

At times I felt doubt, as I did in sixth period. It was English, and the bell had just rung signifying its end.

I was rising with my books in my arms when a red-haired girl stopped by me and smiled. There was something not right with that smile. It did not reach her eyes. She adjusted her glasses, stretching her smile.

"Hey," she said easily, as if we had been friends all these years. "I'm Karin. Nice to meet you."

I didn't know why then, but I felt as if there were something wrong with this girl. Her skin was too plastic; her eyes, dull.

"Hi," I said, a mite cautiously.

"You're really very pretty today," Karin complimented me. "I like your blouse."

"Thanks. I like your pants." They were white, with flames starting on the bottom. And it was true; compared to the rest of her outfit, I liked them fine.

"So how is school?" she asked brightly. We walked the halls to lunch.

I did not like those general questions. "School's fine," I responded. "It's always been sort of boring."

"Yes! – I _definitely_ agree." She asked me about my hobbies, etc. Normal things to ask, from a normal person, if I had not felt that I were being interviewed. Her eyes looked suddenly protuberant. After the general questions, she launched into a monologue about her life.

"I've been having these weird dreams lately, you know? But they're _really_ strange. Like, I'm locked up in a glass room, and people from the other side – it feels like another world; dreams don't make sense – they were ogling at me like I was a monkey in a cage. I felt sort of strange. You know that feeling?"

She looked at expectantly; I nodded.

"After the dream, I wrote it down. I interpret dreams; they're fun to interpret. So I thought that it meant that I wasn't good in social skills. And I guess I'm not!" She laughed, throwing back her hair just enough to let it catch the fan from the cafeteria. We got plates; I got a blue one; she chose red.

"So I'm going through today and analyzing my every move, and how everyone responds. And I guess I don't have much social skills. Well, except for now, but that's because you're so nice." From the buffet I selected shrimp. She got bread, a salad, and five of those small square butter condiments.

"So, yeah, you know – I was wondering how you act in social situations, you know? I mean you're so confident! It's amazing. So I was just wondering that."

Wow, I thought to myself. One day of being like this, and I was attracting people already. Like flies. Okay. One fly. But still.

"I just… sort of mesh," I answered. "I guess. I try to be myself, but I do act differently around everybody – sort of imperceptibly, like attuning yourself to others. Listening is important."

"Of course, of course," she gabbled. "Definitely. For _sure_. Oh and I was wondering – how do you act towards boys? You know. They are such a strange and rare specimen – the good kind of boys, I'll have you know – that I sort of freeze up when I talk to them." Her eyes had suddenly become very sharp, probing. "How do you behave in situations like _that_?"

"I – " I began, finding it at once very funny and very painful to talk about boys. Funny as in ironic, because I had just been dumped by one and I was obviously not the go-to adviser for _boys_. Painful because it brought back images of Naruto. But I held them down. "I… well, boys are pretty strange people, I agree with you."

Her eyebrows rose somewhat. "Definitely. They're so weird! But you seem pretty experience. I mean, you seem to get along fine with them. For example…"

But I was not listening to her; someone's gaze had arrested my attention. My gaze traveled past Karin, her face muddled out of focus, and landed sharply on Sasuke's. My heart jumped. I had the acute feeling that he had been watching me for a while now.

At my stare, he looked back at me intently. It was like something both out of the cheesiest romance novel and a horror movie. He kept his gaze trained on me as he slowly, slowly brought his mug to his lips, drank – I miserably noted that his Adam's apple was defined (but so was Naruto's) – and then placed the mug down.

To make matters worse, he stared at me as he moved his tongue across his lips. At once a heat took hold of me. I flushed and looked back at Karin, whom I was not in actuality paying any attention to.

The scene was like one in a romance novel because it was a blatant come-on. Flirting. (No; not me. He had been flirting with – um, the boy across the aisle from me. Of course. That boy. With the dreadlocks). But then again, the scene was like a horror movie because maybe Sasuke was really a child-molester who flirted with senior high school girls to rape them and hack them up and the police would only find an elbow (I had been reading _The Lovely Bones _as of late). Maybe he would murder me if I didn't take a hold of my body's response… But then again, only I would hypothesize he was a child-molester, to be sure.

Why was I advising Karin how to be socially accepted, again?

I tuned in on her.

"So yeah. Could you help me do that?" She peered anxiously at me, but oddly, I still felt something false about her. Something obsequious and oily.

"Help you do what? Sorry – I was sort of daydreaming." Maybe it really was daydreaming, I thought. Maybe he'd never… er, done that. I focused wholly on Karin, casting away the thought of Sasuke who sat behind her.

"Um… I asked you if you would, um, introduce me to Sasuke," she repeated, her voice full of good cheer. But again, it sounded forced.

"Um, I guess I could do that. He's really a very…" The words died on my lips as I saw Sasuke approach our table. My eyes widened. _Do not. Come here. _

Karin saw my eyes and started to turn around. Once her gaze left me, I slashed my palms across my throat at Sasuke. His eyebrows rose. "What are you – "

"Uh – Sasuke!" I said to her, inwardly beseeching. "He's – let me tell you a secret!"

Thankfully she stopped mid-turn, and whirled back to me. "What?" she whispered excitedly, turning back to hear about pseudo-Sasuke's secret instead of looking at the real Sasuke. I hid a snicker. Life was ridiculous.

"Um," I said, and she bent her head. Her curly hair looked dyed, up close. "Tell me! Now!" She gave me her best smile. "Pretty please?"

I had her enchanted by Sasuke's secret that I didn't even know existed until now. He could breed cows in Austria, for all I knew.

"Um…" My gaze, unconsciously, swept through the cafeteria. It lingered at the doors. Sasuke was just on his way out, but he was staring at me. Again, I thought, slightly frustrated. He mouthed a few words to me that I could not comprehend (I can't read lips). Then he motioned with his finger that he wanted me to come over to him.

He disappeared through the door, and was gone.

"Uhh… I have to leave now," I said quickly to Karin.

"What?" she screeched. Heads turned. "I mean – _what_?" she whispered. Her eyes shot daggers, then arrows, then lightning bolts.

"I… uh, the secret…?"

"Yes, the secret!" she hissed. "I _need_ to know this. Um, for social endeavors. You know."

I guess my mind went in a loop or malfunctioned or something. All I knew was I needed to go meet Sasuke, and alleviate Karin's thirst for knowledge _fast_

"Er," I began. Then an idea hit me, and I said if because I felt confident. Maybe too confident? "Er, Sasuke's a child-molester who flirts with girls to hack them up – and – and – he poisons kittens."

This is ridiculous, I thought, as I weaved through the chairs and tables. I resolved not to look back; she probably thought I was mentally unstable. Or pseudo- Sasuke, who was apparently a serial killer.

Walking to the door, seeing the flash of black, I felt like my make up only make it worse for me. What if he thought I was… dressing up for him?

But, no; girl, tighten your resolve. So I walked up to him, tapped his shoulder, and smiled coolly.

"Top o' the morning to you, Sasuke."

His only response was a brilliant, searing smile.

* * *

**First**, I am not marketing that good looks equal complete transformation. I just thought that Hinata had already been through so many psychological changes that change in appearance was something fresh, and it was something that other people could see and be awed at.

That being said, I MISSED YOU GUYS! (heart heart heart). I know I am terrible at updating, and selfish to think that readers would still like to read this story. I'm sorry. I will respond to any reviews with utter love. Because those who come back after that hiatus (I shudder to think how long it's been - at least a year?) deserve acclaim. Really. I'll love you. Please review.

About reposting this as an original story on Fictionpress - I'm not going to do that. I'm going to with Stepbrother Sasuke, but not The Journal. I think I like it as a Hinata/Sasuke humorous fic. There's something good about having the characters being set for you in that you can't wait to let them loose and see what they'll do. And the love that shall bloom. Yeah.

**Review**? And I'll let you in on life experiences and inspirations and cookies and magical flowers, and poisoned kittens, and child-molesters. Which Sasuke actually is not, sorry.

all **love**,  
h.h.


	12. The Asking Outs

I'll have you know that I pounded out this chapter in all of three days, but because there wasn't Internet connection, I had to WAIT :P.

The way I usually write is meandering around for inspiration, waiting for it to hit me, and when it does, hole up and write. This is bad if you're a fanfiction writer with readers hungry for updates, I guess (hint, hint), but good if you're still searching for your style, your voice in writing. This is because I usually get inspired after reading a book, and then my writing unconsciously reflects that tone. I've developed an eclectic tone because of that, now. You'll notice that the Journal seems very bipolar, very multiple-personality-disorderly. I read The Fortunes of Indigo Skye by Deb Caletti, which uses present tense, and I accordingly wrote this chapter in present tense. I think it'll stay.

* * *

All day  
starin' at the ceiling makin'  
friends with shadows on the walls

All night  
Hearing voices tellin' me  
that I should get some sleep,  
'cuz tomorrow might be good,

or something -

~_Unwell, _Matchbox Twenty

**Chapter 12  
The Asking Outs**

"Hello," Sasuke says, and the way he is smiling, in that cat-that-swallowed-the-canary-way, you would expect him to add an "and goodbye."

But he stays, and I stay, and I wallow in stone-cold silence.

There are the comfortable silences with people you know and hit off great with, like I did with TenTen a year ago. And then there's the suffocating silence that grabs your voice box and renders it powerless to speak.

This silence is neither of those. It's one equated only with the opposite sex who is your friend but whom toward you still feel the vast stretch of discomfort because he's the opposite sex; there's always going to be the moments when you're not sure if your "friend who's a guy" has that smile or personality switched on for everybody, or if he's saving it just for you. Thus, discomfort.

"Hi," I answer, and there's this automatic flushing of my face and neck when his eyes light up, and I think, _that kiss that kiss – can he tell I've been thinking about it so much it took me an hour to fall asleep last night?_

But if he knows what I'm thinking about, his words don't betray him.

"I was wondering," he says, calmly and concisely, "since there's still twenty minutes for lunchtime, if you'd want to go with me to a café, or somewhere."

I smile the nervous automatic smile of not knowing what else to do, like a cartoon Jerry that smiles at Tom in hopes that he'll get set free. "I…don't know."

"Well, you have a minute or two to make up your mind," he says in a serious tone, but I am too nervous to look and see if he's kidding.

_Oh God, oh God_. I have the urge to go to the ladies' room, splash water on my face, rearrange my hair and clothes and everything, and then stay there until the coast was clear of possibly humiliating situations.

_Oh God oh God. Is he asking me out? _No, it can't be like this. Not Sasuke, who I've known as nothing but a friend, who can't possibly want me as a girlfriend.

_Backtrack, backtrack_. He knows that going with me on an almost-date will evoke rumors, and we aren't even in the same league. God, different people like us aren't even supposed to be friends, let alone something more.

But more than social restraints, I have the panicky feeling of change, that I am on the verge of deciding something and never looking back. Or looking back to regret it.

I scrunch up my face to concentrate: _if I do this, go with him, I will never –_

_Naruto._

And the feeling of betraying _Naruto_ is so ridiculous yet so strong that the decision if made before I consciously take note of it.

"No," I say, and there is a little movement, a tightening of his jaw line. But then Sasuke nods and smiles.

I didn't know if he times it, or if his natural elegance auto-sets it for him, but he turns and walks in such a way that I know he is still smiling. Still amused and not giving up.

XX

XX

I wonder what motivation keeps his amusement going, and then decide it isn't much the next day, when he asks me the same thing after sixth period.

"No," I answer him, and his cheeks tauten slightly but he does not blink; his eyes do not change. He has more control over his eyes, I discover, than over his facial muscles. I guess he knows about the "eyes are windows to the soul" adage, but doesn't know that the nuances of the face expose him just as easily.

But after the fourth day he reveals no emotion whatsoever.

It has become prosaic, this routine made up of his question and my answer. I grow used to watching him walk away.

My guess is since I never see him in the lunchroom or even the library to research for history class, that he goes to the café every day, buys the same thing.

Maybe the staff all knows him by now. Maybe there's a gorgeous waitress – but no, I tell myself, because my back has tightened and I'm feeling the pricking sense of jealous in my spine.

_Don't you dare get – envious – _(because this is easier, somewhat, to admit, than being jealous, though I don't know why. I guess jealousy implies you want of a person and envious is more of a materialistic desire) of her.

_Sasuke is not yours to get envious over, anyway._

I take a deep breath and tell myself that things will be fine, just peachy, because this is just a phase for both of us, a "boy rediscovering that the girl is actually a girl" phase, and sooner or later we'll cast off the awkwardness and revert back to being friends –

_– and you'll be fine with Sasuke dating hot waitresses, _I remind myself.

Then, _Not that you ever weren't fine with that._

XX

XX

I touch my upper lashes gingerly, to check if the mascara had clumped, but not hard enough to rub any off.

These past days, I've been eating lunch sometimes with Karin, who I still feel has the sense of artifice, and going to the library for U.S. History AP research.

I am doing research on the computer now, but instead of at the library, I'm home.

_Same crap, different place. _I sigh hugely at the computer keys as if I were able to just blow all this homework away. It is suffocating me, encumbering my freedom. I pound out a few more paragraphs about Nixon's Watergate scandal before going to turn on the bathwater for Hanabi.

She's been going through this period when after she finishes her homework, she languishes on the bed and reads _Cosmo, Seventeen, Glamour, _and _Self_. We've been getting bunches of these magazines because Hiashi reached some promotion and received several free subscriptions of any magazines he chose. Hanabi finagled him into choosing teen crap magazines.

Anyway, she is so engrossed in them that she refuses to do much anything else until someone has prepared it for her. One of these days, I'll stop starting the bathwater for her, see how she reacts. Hey, it'll be her loss – she should know from reading those magazines that not bathing is worse than doing something yourself for a change. But I digress.

XX

XX

I'm in my room at eleven reaching for my cell phone to turn it off - Hiashi always wants me to keep it on every day in case of emergency - when a notice catches my eye.

A notice about two new text messages, in fact. My mind hits a snag and my heart begins beating like crazy.

See, this is the disparity between mind and body right now. My mind tells me it isn't him; it's the cell phone company or someone, even though I haven't gotten a text message from them since I first got this phone. My body, on the other hand, responds with the anticipation of a dog who's going to go for a walk.

_Down, Hinata_, I tell myself. _Don't do this to yourself_. I flip open the phone and press _Inbox_ with fingers that still shake.

It's Karin, and she wants to know if I want to hang out after school tomorrow. _We could walk around those new shops_, she has written.

I text back, with hands not accustomed to manipulating those tiny keys, and it is twenty minutes later when I have finished, brushed my teeth, and read the Bible.

I've been reading the Bible one passage a day. I'm only at Exodus, but I've calculated all this, and I'll be done in about three years. Which is still an accomplishment, and a gradual change towards enlightened: therefore, I think, a surer one.

I close the light and my eyes adjust to the darkness.

I fall asleep to the sound of crickets chirping and somehow, strangely, Sasuke's image, imprinted in my mind.

XX

XX

"Hinata!" It isn't the knight in my dream, to whom I've pleaded several times to go away. It is my sister, and her stentorian shriek, right next to my temple. I jump awake and throw off my covers.

"You've slept through your alarm!" she snaps waspishly. "God, must I do everything for you?"

"You? I do everything for _you_!" I'm annoyed inside, the slow, rising anger that you try to rub off because it's the start of a new day, and you don't want the rest of it to progress like this.

"Hanabi, it's the first time you've woken me up," I try to say in a more reasonable, let's-talk-this-out tone. She merely shrugs and brushes her hair, newly layered and curled, off her shoulder.

She must have mixed tips from the magazine on that one, I think, half-smiling to myself when I pull on a jean skirt. Because no fashion magazine would ever advice curly hair and layers.

XX

XX

The day goes downhill from there and gets worse.

I apply eye shadow but forget to apply liner and mascara, so I just l look sleep-deprived and not sexy (which I probably don't look if I do it right, either).

I apply too much foundation without moisturizer first, so that throughout the day I feel the dryness of my skin, and the foundation flaking off. "Awesome," I discover aloud fourth period, grinding my teeth. I ask for the bathroom pass and liberally scrape off the foundation, leaving red marks. _I'm _never_ wearing foundation again_.

Covering up a few faded red spots of skin is not worth the plastic-mask feeling of foundation against your skin, nor the steps and time it takes to apply it. Bug-bye, dewy skin, I don't need you.

And then, Sasuke isn't at school that day (a _good _thing: a _really_ good thing - the _highlight of my day_). The only reason I potentially missed him is to check our text scores in Calc (which, incidentally, I got a 79 on. Execrable. (at least I rule at English vocab)).

XX

During lunch Karin is in a good mood, which is totally fine if you're in a good mood, but if you're not, it pushes you deeper into bad-mood mode because

a. you're annoyed by her cheeriness - is it fake? you think, and

b. you're envious - not jealous - of her perpetual sunniness.

She jabbers on about how she thinks she'll have a chance at the #1 rank of the grade, since she moved from #14 to #8.

"Oh, I don't know," I say, in one of my more caustic comments. "Sasuke's in first and I'm second, and we've been competing for ages."

"Really?" She is suddenly interested, props elbows on the table to lean in, catch everything. "Is he that smart?"

"I don't know about that; it's probably just luck." I attempt to say this humorously, but I grouse it, and my body tenses up. God. That - _guy_. He always crops up in conversations, and he isn't even _here_ today. I always have to talk about him (therefore think about him), and I'm hitting myself over the head for mentioning him and then for recognizing his omnipresence, when Karin inquires, "Are you guys dating?"

"Dating?" I repeat, and I see her eyes, shiny and much-too-curious, behind her glasses. Then she blinks and the moment passes, but suddenly I've figured her out, from that look.

"It's more than rumor-gossip curiosity, isn't it?" I ask her, a lateen threat hidden in my voice. It's a rhetorical question, and she needn't answer it. Her eyes grow wide and she gulps, her mouth pushed out.

"Oh! no, it's… Well – it depends on your answer, I guess. _Are_ you guys?"

I feel defensiveness, its tight, clenching hold. So this was her ploy all along. An then my optimistic shows up, that fashionably-late arrival, the last faint hope. I say, "Let's talk about something else."

She shakes her head, her dark, red ringlets bouncing, and I'm reminded of Hanabi, how I kowtowed to her every whim, and there's this white-hot burst of pain around my eyes, and I realize I'm doing the same for Karin. Capitulating to her every wish.

I just didn't realize it before.

I push back my chair, the metal scraping the tiles. "What if Sasuke and I were going out?" I throw at her in clipped anger. It's a fury that bunches my back and neck muscles, raises goose bumps. My arms and legs lift with anticipation, like I'm going into an skirmish.

But the weapons are verbal daggers, and I lash them out.

"How come you never talk about things that matter?" All this anger surges out: Naruto's words are replaying in my head, Sasuke's stolen kiss, his invitations for a date, my sister's despotism.

My head is throbbing so hard it hurts.

"We could have been friends." I'm not shouting. My voice is ice-cold, quiet. I hear a ringing, muddled; the sound is so far away it's as if it were battering against a steel cage. I take a deep breath to keep from exploding, and enunciate every word, every syllable.

"But all you wanted was Sasuke. And I'm not giving him up, because I – I have Naruto up and every last ounce of my dignity, and I _tried_ to be confident, and look where it's gotten me." The fucking makeup is smudging, and between the spots of red I'm seeing, there's Karin's face, her _real_ face, devoid of any compassion.

"So you like him, then?" comes Karin's voice.

I stare at her, humiliated, having hurled out all my excuses, and having her sidestep them and repeat her question. I suddenly feel like one of those cartoon people who is the butt of all jokes, who gets the pie splattered in his face. My hair is plastered against my scalp, disgusting as that sounds, and I just cannot do this, stat.

I look at the exits, and I want to disappear, just vanish into nothing. But I have to answer the question, and I do the worst thing, by lying.

"_No_," I say, and it's like the world is shattering, the axis tipping into space. I gave her Sasuke.

I go to the bathroom, then the library, and I check my grades and see the grade for the history project.

It's an A, but this holds no warmth to my numbness.

I sit there until the end-lunch bell rings, and I wonder if Sasuke and I will ever compare grades again.

XX

XX

Hiashi's at his computer with his apple and mug of tea-not-coffee sitting dutifully beside him, like a wife.

He always tells Hanabi and me that caffeine, and therefore coffee, is bad bad _bad_ for you. He's big on tea and apples, and drinks as many as two gallons of oolong tea, his favorite, a day, and three apples to top it off.

I've tried telling him that this much tea and apples have even more caffeine than coffee, that an apple contains as much caffeine as one cup of coffee (I found this out in 6th grade health), but he continually ignores me. Hey, if it floats his boat.

"A three dollar raise per hour," he's saying. "That's would be…thirty more dollars a day. That much a month plus how much I have set aside… My daughter, how much is the table again?"

Last time I checked – or rather, he made me check, was – "$640," I tell him.

"Oh!" His eyebrows jump in happiness, and I'm reminded of mountains moving.

"I think we have enough, daughter!"

"Really?" My interest gets piqued marginally. Hiashi's been wanting to buy a foosball table ever since he saw this ad on TV of two cats playing foosball. He worships cats but is allergic to them, and I guess seeing them play foosball was like seeing your favorite celebrity wearing eye glitter – you want to copy her right away.

Anyway, ever since then, Hiashi's wanted a foosball table, even though (go figure) the ad was about kitty litter. Again, go figure.

"There's still the tax," I remind him, but he's already clicking the foosball table website, reading to punch the "Add to my cart" button.

He arrives at the foosball page, and I see his eyebrows droop in dismay.

"What?" I ask, and I See it: the page says, Product has been removed.

I lean back to digest this, not knowing what to say, and Hiashi rubs his eyes, his voice gruff. "It's would have to do that sooner or later. We just weren't fast enough. Fucking Bill Robertson." Bill Robertson is the name of this American guy shown on TV who won the lottery in Japan twice, and Hiashi is convinced that all our money and government taxes go straight to him. Hence, the using of Bill Robertson as a scapegoat.

"It's okay, Hiashi," I attempt to console him, but I can see it's _not_ okay, won't be okay for a long time because he's wanted to buy it ever since he saw that commercial, two and a half years ago.

"It's nothing," he growls into a napkin, fingernails digging into the wood of the table. "Oh, it's…" He sighs, then seem sot deflate, his bolt upright posture slumping into his chair. I haven't seen him like this since his pet snail died.

"It's just that stupid hope, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." I'm only partially there, subconsciously not wanting to invest too much into understanding him when I have too much to understand myself.

"It's just that goddamn hope everything is gonna turn out right. It's that goddamn _hope_, like the light at the end of a tunnel. Then life is reality and you're left in the dark."

He's being really poetic today, I'm absent-mindedly thinking, when his words grab me and make me see the light. _The light_.

"I totally understand you," I'm suddenly saying. "Naruto was a total ass-hat."

Hiashi eyes me, as if I've suddenly turned into a beat-boxin' gangsta, but he nods and mutters, "I knew that Naruto guy was no good. He had too much _happiness – _"

In other circumstances I would roll my eyes to my father in partisan, but I jump onto his wavelength: "I _know_. It was insincere, somehow. Like he grinned at everybody in the same way, to lead them all on."

"His _hair_," Hiashi cuts in. He throws his head back. "_God _awful. Like Bill Robertson's (God, I hate him). Too bright. Hinata, my elder daughter, when you marry, you must marry a man with _dark_ hair."

"His 'you bet's,'" I say. "what is _up_ with his freak-manic personality."

"His _eyes_," Hiashi interrupts for the second time, but I'm too busy agreeing with him that I don't even mind (otherwise I would've told him to read his _Seven Steps to Perfect Manners _book again) – "The _blueness_. Like, what is _up_ with his eyes? Are they contacts? Hinata, when you marry, you're marrying someone with _dark _eyes."

"And his clothes," I say, and then, we both yell,

"_That God-awful orange polyester jacket/jumpsuit!"_

And I add, "_So_ gauche."

And he spits, "Bill _Ro_bertson."

And I'm reveling in this moment because it's the first time my father and I understand each other in ages, and I'm suddenly thinking I don't _need_ Karin and TenTen and Naruto (who's he again?), when I can have all the girl-rants I want with my father. (Right?)

"Ah. That got me awake," Hiashi says, in a lighter tone. He grabs the apple and bits ginormously into it.

"Yeah," I agree. I have enough energy to do all my homework for the weekend and save the world from flying monkeys while jumping over buildings. I feel refreshed.

"Oh, wait, my daughter," Hiashi says, and I pause at the door of his study. His eyes are stern now, chips of brown against his lined face. "No marriage, maybe, because that's a little too far away" – (a _little_, he says) – "but a boyfriend. Now, I know you're at the age to be interested in boys – no more guys like Naruto, understand?" He chuckles when I make the hope-to-die gesture across my chest.

"Instead, I want your boyfriend – _if_ you get one – to be respectable, thoughtful, intelligent, and confidence. Preferably dark-haired, and dark-eyed (you never know about people with colored contacts, like Naruto, probably). Oh, and preferably someone who doesn't grin, but smiles close-clipped. More honest that way. And maybe add a touch of arrogance, too. That way he's sure of his abilities."

I nod, and Hiashi nods back, puts his glasses back on, and resumed typing.

I walk thou of his room and down the stairs, clutching the banister in a daze.

_Sasuke_, I'm thinking, _Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke,_ and my heart seems to lift up and fly. I stop in the middle of the staircase and lean against the wall, eyes closed, breathing hard. Be still my heart. At that moment I know two things: I know I am over Naruto, and I know did I do not know my response to Sasuke when he would, inevitably, ask me out to lunch on Monday.

* * *

**Wheeee, drama! 3 3.**

**The faster you review the faster I update :3**


	13. Continuation Notice

Dear readers/children,

(hi. do you remember me?)

I think I am going to continue The Journal. What say you? Respond if you want me to.

I want closure; that's why I'm thinking of continuing.

You're my saving grace. Love,

h.h.


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